Vacation Revelations

We recently went to Florida for a family vacation with my mom and sister. My mom turned 60 and what she wanted to do was go to the beach. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time visiting my aunt and the beach was great. I didn't have a concern in the world about wearing my bikini while we were there. I didn't obsess over who might be looking at me, what they might be thinking about me. I didn't feel self-conscious at all...until I saw the pictures.

Photo-bombed by my bat arm

I'm really glad that I was able to enjoy myself in the moment. But..I'm not happy with where I let myself backslide to. If you're a new reader you might not know that a few years ago I lost 60 lbs. At my heaviest (known) weight I was 211. I've done very well at maintaining, for the most part, but I have found over the last year that the weight is creeping back on.

Near my heaviest weight

Near my lowest weight

My current weight

I've put on about 20 lbs from my lowest weight. And it's not like I didn't know it was happening. The scale doesn't lie. But I was turning a blind eye to it, putting on the back burner. Until yesterday..for the first time since I lost all the weight I couldn't wear a top because my arms were too big.

Talk about eye-opener. As I sit here, if I listen to my body, it's telling me it's not happy. I'm not comfortable, just sitting here.

So something must be done. And it will start with re-evaluating what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. I wish I could say with confidence that this will be easy...since I've done it before...but I'm not so sure that will be the case.

Sabotage

Did you sing this post title a la The Beastie Boys? No? What is wrong with you?

I have been trying to slowly get back in the habit of working out and eating right. But I have found myself slipping back into old habits. I can't seem to keep myself from eating. This is a habit that I was doing really good at controlling. I was talking myself out of the second plate of food. I was convincing myself that it was ok to throw food away (I know, I know...wasteful...but when it comes to my health and my food addiction...I'm doing it).

But lately, I've been sabotaging myself. It has been all about the mindless eating. I'm eating donuts (after I already had a bagel). I'm eating chocolate bars. I'm eating second servings. That last slice of garlic bread? Oh yeah, it's going in my mouth (#twss). I'm eating Halloween candy. I'm eating all the Christmas cookies.

Put it in front of me....I'm eating it.

I cannot stop myself.

And the scale is telling on me. It keeps creeping up and up and up.

So, I'm talking about it. Putting it out there. If you see me with another chocolate bar, please feel free to slap it out of my hand. If we happen to go out for dinner, feel free to suggest that I get the salad...and then half it into a to-go box. Really. I need to re-train myself once again to do these things.

Because I refuse to let myself go back.

All the cool kids are doing it

New years always means RESOLUTIONS! You know the age old typical resolutions. This is THE year we are going to get lean and clean up our diet..right?! The TV is overflowing with ads for diet plans and exercise DVD's and equipment. According to Jillian Michaels you can just WALK AWAY the pounds..its so revolutionary! The greatest thing since sliced bread....which none of us are allowed to eat anymore...right?!



Except, March rolls around. And the newness has been brutally worn off by reality and daily life. Changing long held habits is hard. It's not fun...no, it's not. It really, really sssuuuccckkkss. It takes up a lot of time and it costs a lot of money. Especially if you want to go all in on a gym membership/diet plan/personal trainer. You have to pay all kind of fees, buy a ton more work out clothes (or do laundry every night), buy all new organic, locally grown, fresh foods and cooking supplies. Have you seen how much that crap costs?!

So, I've pretty much given up even making new year resolutions. But that doesn't mean that a sister can't try and set teeny tiny goals..that don't take a new wardrobe or gym membership to accomplish. This year I'm going to try and drink more water. I just need to do it, it's good for me and I can do it while sitting down. I'm going to try and make better food choices. I started tracking my food on myfitnesspal again. I'm going to try really hard not to let the calorie goal be a hard line in the sand for me. It's really ok if I go over it, I just want to be more mindful of what I'm eating on a daily basis.

Using a lettuce leaf rather than a tortilla is a smart move.

Making sweet potato, broccoli, and chicken for dinner is a good choice.

All I really want to do is stay hydrated, not snack too much, find fun and inexpensive ways to eat a little better, and get off my butt and workout a little more (not every day...don't be crazy). Here's to 2015 and small and manageable life changes.

Rambling Woman

Hey.

I'm still on overtime. I've officially worked 115 hours of overtime since the first of May...and there is no end in sight. People keep reminding me of the paychecks. And those are nice, but I don't think they quite understand the utter exhaustion from not only being at work so much but also feeling like you aren't getting anywhere. Honestly, I'm doing some of the most jacked up work I've ever had to do in the whole 16 years I've worked for this company. It just feels like spinning wheels. I'd be less frustrated if I felt like I got things done during all those work hours.

I went to the gym for the first time in...well..I can't really remember the last time I went to the gym. I did a 45 minute Body Combat class. It felt good to be up, moving around. Seeing my under arms jiggle as I punched was sobering. I'm back at a place I swore I'd never be again..a place of my weight creeping up, a place of me mindlessly stuffing my face, a place of being uncomfortable in all my clothes. I don't want to be HERE. And I definitely don't want it to get worse. So, I have to do something.

Sorry if I'm rambling.

My sister moved into her first apartment all by herself. She's been moved away from home for years now, but up until now she's always had a roommate. She lived with our cousin for four years. Them moving on separate from each other is kinda like a divorce, I'm not sure what she got to keep. lol. So we've been window shopping together via text message and pinterest boards. I hope to get up there soon to help her get things on the wall and shop for the odds and ends. It's nice to know I'm needed for something.

But before I go up there she will be coming here (along with our cousin) for a Doctor Who viewing party. I can tell you with a straight face that I never, ever thought I'd be into Doctor Who. But on New Year's Eve Jeremy and I started watching Season Five and we just kept going. Now we have Dalek and Tardis pillows and we are eagerly awaiting the Twelfth Doctor. Do you watch Doctor Who? Will you be watching on Aug. 23?

What's been going on?

Well, nothing really. A whole lot of nothing. Not that I'm complaining. Not even a little bit. After the whirlwind that was December, I'll take uneventful any day {for now}. Really, we've just been trying to get back to a normal routing. Work, dinner, workouts, dog walks. It's been really hard, for some reason.

I'm bored out of my mind at work right now, when before the new year my days were zipping by. I think it's the lack of direction. I don't need much, I'm very good at working on my own..but radio silence doesn't sit well with me.

I snapped an Instagram picture this morning of my newly acquired muffin top. Apparently, it's what I gave myself for Christmas...lucky me. No gift receipt so I can't return it and I'm already wearing it..so....Let's just say I'm well within my pre-set "Danger Zone" on the scale and it's time to buckle down and get it off before it starts to think I'm keeping it for good.

I'm having to be very deliberate in my eating, once again. Things that were habit more or less have fallen away to make room for nasty old habits. Such as eating two servings at dinner and ice cream..every.single.night. I'm having to think about dinner WAY before dinner time to prepare myself mentally for only eating what my body needs me to.

Going to the gym seems to be SO HARD. I'm tired. All the time. Probably from not going to the gym. Crazy how that works. We went tonight and things that had been so easy for me were kicking my butt. Honestly, I could barely finish and had to half-ass stuff...but I DID do it. Which is better than NOT doing it at all {I keep telling myself}, so there is that.

I hate to look like I'm jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon, because I'm really not. These are all things that I use to be doing..quite frequently..and with little thought. It's just so hard to get back on schedule once you allow yourself off the hook...and for as long as I did. So just don't do it y'all! Stay strong! Say no to the muffin top.

Weekend Doings

I've been living for the weekends lately, just so I can hit that door at quitting time on Friday and not have to think about work again until Monday morning. This weekend was the Color Up 5k. Since we live out in the middle of no where, we don't often get the chance to have large organizations bring in things like Color runs or mud runs or obstacle runs. But I'm seeing a turn in the tide, San Angelo is being put on the map since we are currently in a very fast paced growth spurt.

Anyway, it was so amazing to see SO MANY PEOPLE come together for the Color Up run! Just more proof that events like this are really good for the community and city. It was FREEZING Saturday morning...not as bad as the Hot Chocolate run last year, but still. As we waited for the race to get started the sun came up and more and more people gathered. The music was pumping and the array of colorful wigs, socks, and tutus kept us entertained.

The race was just what it was suppose to be..fun!

 

 

 

 

 

One of my favorite authors, Pamela Clare, has a prequel novella out today (e-format only), First Strike. This is short story set up for her next full length novel, Striking Distance, that will be out on November 5th. You all know I'm an avid romance reader, but I don't usually plug or review books here on this blog. And I'm not really trying to do that here either, I just thought I'd put it out there. Her books are really good, so if you haven't read any of them and were looking for something new to get into..put Pamela Clare on your list.

 

In the same vein, there is a little rumor going around (started by the author herself) that Tara Janzen might be writing a Steele Street novella. She is another author that should be on your list. So good.

 



My holiday weekend

Girls Night

Fun in the sun on the 4th of July.

 

Hanging out with family.

Doggy cousins.

Working out with Seester. I no likey.

No Coffee - Day One

It is always smart to get a good solid eight hours of sleep when you plan on skipping your usual morning coffee...for the first time...in years...the very next day.

Did I do that?

No.

I stayed up late reading a book.

Late night + No Coffee = Disaster.

Hopefully day two will go a little better.

Progress/Regress

Me, 2006

 

Me, 2010

Me, June 2012
 

Me, today.

I feel like I am so very close to where I want to be. But I haven't been committing myself to my health. I've been lazy and back sliding and eating whatever I want. I miss the drive and direction I had in the past, the mind set of knowing what I need to do to reach my goal. So I am trying to refocus. I'm trying to tune back in and listen to my body. It's been a while...I'm a little rusty.

Shed & Share!

My weight loss story has been featured on Peak313 Fitness! Clare is a wonderful inspiration for your outsides AND your insides. She combines fitness, faith, and daily living on her blog. Go check it out and look around...I'm serious, it's a great website.

The battle of the belly bulge.

Jeremy and I have both been slacking. With our fitness. We've been self-indulgent for a good long time now...eating whatever we want, drinking whatever we want, and going to the gym whenever we want which is almost never.

He sent me this picture, which got us talking about our fitness goals :

Him: I need to start working on that six pack.
Me: Ha ha! I want a six pack too.
Me: Sooo, we're going to the gym right?
Me: Yes
Me: We
Me: Are
 {which we didn't...by the way}
Him: You know if we want to get into that good of shape we're gonna have to get into some hardcore training and dieting. Like seven days a week.
Me: I know! *groan*
Him: Well, maybe we should quit playing around.
Me: Maybe..in which case, I need some more workout clothes.
 {which I haven't bought yet..by the way}

I know I have heard and read that getting defined abs..or muscles, in general, is not all about what you do in the gym. A lot of it is what you eat. I know my cousin, Natalie, {the little fitness instructor/energizer bunny} and my cousin friend, Josie, are big on eating clean.

I've talked about this. I've looked into it. I've window shopped at the grocery store. But it comes down to..I don't want to eat a bunch of beans and tofu!! And I'm not really seeing any other way of "eating clean". My husband works hard all day...I can't make him a bean salad for dinner!  So, we are meat eaters. Anyone have any great healthy recipes with MEAT (we eat a lot of chicken..some fish..and some ground beef (or turkey)..but mostly chicken).

Maybe my unwillingness to eat bean sprouts means we are doomed to have jiggly bellies. But I can still dream, right? At least???

Thursday Randoms

1. Yoga is hard. And very relaxing at the same time. How is that possible?

2. It's pathetic when the idea of only reaching 89 sounds like heaven. Summer can hit the freakin' road. Worst summer ever.

3. My new flat iron isn't working right. I turn it on..and 30 seconds later it turns itself off. I turn it on again..same thing. I have to push the on button three or four times before it actually stays on and heats up. I wanted a flat iron with automatic turn off, but this was not what I had in mind.

4. I'm in love with our new bedding set. It's soft...and light...and I adore it.

5. I'm working on relaxing (see #1). With all the issues Lola has had this summer with her allergies, I allowed myself to get wrapped up in her and how she is feeling and what she is doing...and why is she scratching..and is her belly red...and why is she tilting her head like that!!!!!!!! I've been working on focusing less on Lola. She is fine. And when she isn't she will let us know...I won't have to guess. When she starts scratching too much or shaking her head..to the point of distracting me...I remove myself from the room. I know this probably seems stupid to a lot of you. She is JUST a dog, right? Yes, you are right. So I have to teach myself to not stress out.

6. I have Ben & Jerry's ice cream for dessert tonight. OOOhhhh...someone is misbehaving.

7. My reading has been a little lack-luster lately. Other than Pamela Clare's books, I've been slightly disappointed in the books I've been picking up lately. Do you have good romance novel suggestions for me?

Random thoughts on a sleep deprived Monday

1. I stayed up too late last night reading {Defiant by Pamela Clare}. Even after I put the book aside I had a really hard time finding sleep. It was an on again/off again thing until the alarm went off at 5:30.

2. Because I was tired and grouchy my coworkers were annoying me..by just sitting there. I managed not to get into an argument with anyone..but I'm not sure how.

3. Did y'all hear about the Octomom signing up for gofundme.com so people, regular ol' people like you and me, can give her money? For nothing in return! Does that really work? I'm totally doing it.

4. I removed the word verification thingy from my blog comments {you're welcome}, but I'm getting pissed at the stupid spam comments. I get excited when I see an email that tells me I have a comment waiting for approval just to have my mood soured to find its a spammer. Boo.

5. But I have been loving the upswing in comments lately from y'all..the real human people out there. I love hearing from y'all.

6. I have become a little discouraged with my weigh loss/fitness. I still have a little too much jiggle to my wiggle. But I'm having a hard time committing to a solid work out schedule or curbing my food intake. I haven't gained any weight, no worries, but I'm still considered overweight and I'm just..jiggly. Too jiggly.

Tuesday Randoms

~ Anyone have any meditation techniques? Because this girl has GOT to learn to relax. It may be PMS too. I have a serious ebb and flow of emotions from month to month. Tensing up and worrying about everything seems to come with the territory. So..meditation and midol.

~ I'm going to be reviewing romance novels at Seductive Musings. SSQQQEEEE!! I'm so excited and nervous and excited.

~ Speaking of romance novels, Defiant by Pamela Clare was released today. It has been much anticipated since its the third novel in the series about the MacKinnon brothers. I'm a bad fan and haven't picked it up yet, but I will...soon.

~ Forced myself to go to the gym today for the first time in weeks. I get antsy if I have too many evenings at home with nothing to do. Which doesn't sound like me at all..but I think that was the old me. I'm becoming a busy body in my old age. Must. Do. Something.

~ I have a canker sore on the very tip of my tongue and it is VERY annoying.

~ I'm learning all kinds of uses for baking soda through pinterest. Did you know that baking soda and salt can help with canker sores? Can't imagine it would taste good at all, but still. AND baking soda can be used to exfoliate your skin. It supposedly gives you that 'just got a facial' glow. I haven't tried it yet, so don't take my word for it.

~ Speaking of facials. I really need to find some type of foundation/primer/face spackle that will hide my flaky skin. I have dry flaky skin between my eyes and around my mouth. I use a gentle daily exfoliator in the shower but it doesn't seem to help with the flakiness..especially when I try to wear any makeup. *la sigh* I'm just destined to be a wrinkly, flaky skinned troll for the rest of my life.

Things I Learned Yesterday

1. Asparagus is really good with hummus.

2. How to pronounce Quinoa {Keen-wa}

3. Eating healthy costs a lot of money.

4. That a sweet potato can be completely baked in the microwave in just 8 minutes.

5. It's very important to chop sweet potato chips evenly so some of them don't burn to a crisp.

6. Agave syrup is great in coffee {ok, I learned that this morning but still..}

7. Sweet potatoes make pretty good brownies {I learned a lot about sweet potatoes}

8. Little boys take playing Captain America VERY seriously.

9. That family takes you just as you are, with holes in the wall and animal hair on the floor.

10. BodyCOMBAT is awesome..so awesome that we spontaneously break into jab/cross jabs and double knees right in the living room.

So, you want my advice?

"I need you to be my Weight Watchers consultant. You just look so good".

This was the compliment my co-worker gave me this week. I always appreciate the kind words, because I worked hard to get where I am. But it seems to lead to the same conversation.

I didn't wake up one day and decide to lose 60 lbs. Well...that's not true. I woke up on many, many, many days and thought 'Today is the day' and then went right back to my same old habits. My point is it took a very long time and some starts and stops to finally get into a groove of weight loss. And even after I found my groove there were some derailments..there still are. It took me three years to lose 60 lbs. Three years!

My co-worker tells me 'I have a hard time dieting by myself'.

Well, her first problem is that she considers it a diet at all. In my mind, there is no such thing as a successful diet. You really don't get to come at it like 'Oh, I'll diet for six months and lose X amount of lbs'. I mean, you COULD. And you might lose weight. But its unlikely that you will keep it off. I'm speaking the hard truth. There is no easy fix.

What really helped me is changing my frame of mind. I wasn't dieting to lose weight. I was re-teaching myself how to be healthy. I had to reprogram my brain. I had to learn new habits. Once you start on the journey you have to realize there is no going back to your old life..especially if you want to reap the full rewards of all your hard work.

Second, my co-worker has to realize..like I had to realize...that no one else can make you do it. You might try and trick yourself into thinking you are accountable to someone else, but the reality is you are only accountable to yourself. So you have to talk yourself out of eating that chocolate bar..or talk yourself into walking around the block when you really don't want to. No one else can police your food or make you get off the couch.

My co-worker also told me she didn't think it was worth cooking a meal for just one person. So she often found herself eating out. I understand where she is coming from. It isn't always easy to cook for just two people either. But something else I had to learn, which is probably the MOST important thing I learned over those three years, is that I am worth the effort. It may be a hassle to make fresh meals or to get to the gym. It may cost more to eat healthy or to purchase workout clothes or workout DVD's. But, I am worth it. She IS worth it. All of us are WORTH the time and effort to lead healthier lives.

So, the only consulting I will ever do is this:

Understand its a lifestyle change. There is NO going back.
Accountability is internal, not external.
You are WORTH it. Love your body to a healthier place, you deserve it.

Oh HAI!

I can't believe its been a week since I posted. That wasn't planned. Life has just been whisking on by, throwing curve balls at me along the way.

This is what's been going on in my life lately...random style:

My Lola girl has been having a hard time with her allergies this season. It's been bad, real bad. Bad for everyone..Lola, Duke, me, and Jeremy. Over the weekend Lola started shaking her head again. We took her to the vet yesterday and turns out her eardrum ruptured. I know that sounds really bad..it did to me..but as my husband puts it, the rupture released the pressure on her ear which probably felt a little better. Anyway, she is on another round of antibiotics, three weeks this time. Ear drops and pain meds. No walks. No baths. That's going to be rough for three whole weeks. But on the positive side, she has been acting her same ol' perky self. She has been eating well and wanting to go outside. She has been chewing on her rawhide. She hasn't been shaking her head or walking funny or tilting her head..she really hasn't been acting like her ear is bothering her at all. So I'm trying not to stress out about it too much. We take her back for a check up in two weeks.

And poor ol' Duke has been having an issue with his anxiety. He's always been a nervous nelly when it rains, especially if it thunders. Lately, even the announcer over the loud speaker at the stadium down the street has been making him shake. It's getting to the point where he is timid about going for walks...and he LOVES to go on walks. I'm looking into getting him a Thunder Jacket.

Last Tuesday, I went to the volunteer orientation for the local humane society. It was pretty straight forward. The other two volunteers were very..interesting characters. One of them was afraid of dogs. Very odd. I mean, I guess there are cats that need adopting too but still. I'm still trying to figure out where I can help. It's hard getting there to help when we are a one vehicle household. I'm sure I'll find a way I can help, I just don't know what it is yet.

After the orientation I met my workout buddy, Tiffany, at Chili's for dinner and drinks. She was good {she ordered from the lite menu}. I was not good. I felt a second of guilt and then enjoyed my meal immensely. We shared a dessert..which we didn't finish. Oh, and the skinny margarita isn't too bad. We ended up sitting outside for an hour just talking, mostly about food and eating habits and living a healthy lifestyle. We confessed some of our darker old eating habits. It was good to dish, get it all other there with someone who can relate on many levels.

I went to Austin over the weekend to visit my friend, Jennifer. We spent Saturday strolling through the Country Living Expo. There was SO much to look at. Sadly, most of it was way out of my price range. I did run into my friend, Autumn, who lives in San Antonio. We haven't seen each other in several years {we keep in touch on Facebook..natch} so I was just shocked and delighted to be able to hug her AND her husband AND her kiddo. I walked away with this adorable painted piggy, thanks to Jennifer who found it at one of the last booths we went into.

On Sunday, we went to Ikea and the outlet mall. Jennifer always takes me to the nicest places. I scored a cute little leather cross body Coach purse at a killer price.

I also picked up two side tables and the bed frame for the guestroom. Did y'all know that the midbeam for the bed is sold separately? Because I didn't and they just let me walk right out of there with a bed frame and no midbeam. How rude. lol. Ah well, we don't have a mattress to put on the bed right now anyway so there is time to get the midbeam. The progress has been slow, I know, but it's coming along.

SSSeeee...I told you. Lots and lots going on. I think things are going to slow down just a bit...at least, I hope they are. I need a second to catch my breath.