What I can do.

If there is a day to act on the Love in your soul it is today, it is this moment. ~Mike Dolan

The tragedy in Orlando has me and my husband shaking our heads. We have sat in this very office and talked all the way around the issue, over and over and over.

Why did he do it? Was he part of ISIS? Was this a hate crime? Or terrorism? Who was his intended target? Why was it so easy for him to get such a powerful weapon? Why does this keep happening?

I don't know all the details. And, frankly, I don't need to know ALL the details. Because what it comes down to is this. He was a hate-filled man. And he was able to hurt a lot of people with an easily obtained powerful weapon. That's it.

It doesn't matter what color his skin was. What religion he was. Where he was from. Who he claimed to be part of. What his motives were.

He was a man.

He killed a lot of people.

With an easily and legally obtained powerful killing machine.

So, of course, that leads us right into the never-ending "gun debate".

Why do people even need to own those kind of guns? Just because they want to? Because it's their "constitutional right"? Why can't the government find a way to make it a little harder for people to get those guns? Why does nothing ever change? Why do we keep allowing this to happen?

And that brings us to money. The government body will never move towards any type of bill/law that will hinder the NRA's ability to sell guns (any guns...all the guns). Because the NRA has lined enough pockets with enough money to make it so. As long as that type of bribery is allowed to happen in our government, nothing is ever going to change. And I don't see that happening any time soon.

So, after all of that discussion...when he and I have talked it all the way around..to realize that there is nothing we can do to fix this...I'm left feeling broken, sad, disappointed, angry, and useless.

I keep asking myself...what can I do? What more can I do than change my Facebook profile pic and post my thoughts and prayers (hashtagged, of course)? I have no faith in my government. I have no faith that my vote would ever make any difference (because of the money in the pockets...remember). So, on that level, I am totally and utterly pointless.

But, what I can do is always strive to be better to the person next to me.

At work, at the grocery store, in my neighborhood, on my social media accounts. I can always try and be the love that this world so desperately needs. I can always try to remember to look outside of my self-absorbed little bubble and not be shy about reaching out to those around me.

I can always try to be kinder. To be more helpful. To be more loving. To be more understanding. To be more compassionate.

And, like Jeremy says, 'That will have to be enough'.

Vacation Revelations

We recently went to Florida for a family vacation with my mom and sister. My mom turned 60 and what she wanted to do was go to the beach. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time visiting my aunt and the beach was great. I didn't have a concern in the world about wearing my bikini while we were there. I didn't obsess over who might be looking at me, what they might be thinking about me. I didn't feel self-conscious at all...until I saw the pictures.

Photo-bombed by my bat arm

I'm really glad that I was able to enjoy myself in the moment. But..I'm not happy with where I let myself backslide to. If you're a new reader you might not know that a few years ago I lost 60 lbs. At my heaviest (known) weight I was 211. I've done very well at maintaining, for the most part, but I have found over the last year that the weight is creeping back on.

Near my heaviest weight

Near my lowest weight

My current weight

I've put on about 20 lbs from my lowest weight. And it's not like I didn't know it was happening. The scale doesn't lie. But I was turning a blind eye to it, putting on the back burner. Until yesterday..for the first time since I lost all the weight I couldn't wear a top because my arms were too big.

Talk about eye-opener. As I sit here, if I listen to my body, it's telling me it's not happy. I'm not comfortable, just sitting here.

So something must be done. And it will start with re-evaluating what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. I wish I could say with confidence that this will be easy...since I've done it before...but I'm not so sure that will be the case.

T is for...Terrified

Day 20. Your biggest fear

There are two things that I am very afraid of.

One...Dentist.

I didn't have the best experience with dental work when I was younger. It had such a lasting effect on me that when I was old enough to make my own decisions I stopped going to the dentist. In my mind, it was never just a teeth cleaning..there was always something wrong that required more extensive work.

So, I didn't see a dentist for nearly 10 years (You read that right). Jeremy's constant dental issues forced us into finding a new dentist. It took a few tries to find the right fit (sad to say, many dentists are super duper into the cosmetic aspect of dental work) but we finally found a great dentist who has a wonderful staff that were sensitive to my dental aversion. My hygienist has been wonderful, she has really helped me overcome a lot of my fear of going in for my bi-yearly cleanings.

And when I found out I had to have my wisdom teeth out last year, she helped talk me out of the crazy tree when I was anxious. I was so afraid at the extraction appointment that I cried...like a baby..and couldn't even look at the dental surgeon (who wasn't my normal dentist) while he was trying to make small talk with me to make me more comfortable. He was nice too and knocked me out quick.

I still get a tad nervous getting in the dentist chair (I have an appointment tomorrow) but knowing I'm going to get to see my hygienist and have her chattering away actually gives me something to look forward to.

Two...Cockroaches.

EEWWW! I know, right. There is just something about them that makes me freak out. I thought I had a normal fear, you know, like everyone else. But one weekend while my sister was in town there was a huge cockroach crawling on my bedroom wall and it was between me and my bedroom door. I had to work up the nerve to army crawl (just about) out of the room to go wake up my sister so SHE could kill it.

Once she stopped laughing at me, I think she realized that I was really, super afraid. I couldn't even go back in the room. So she bravely went in (with my husbands flip flop) and killed it. But she made me clean it up. And I had a hard time even doing that..I'm talking sweeping it into a NEW EMPTY trash bag while I was on the bed and a broom handles length away from it.

I'm getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

Gross.

Wisdom Teeth are Dumb

*warning..if photos of teeth wig you out don't look at this post*

My mouth is swollen and stiff.

One of the upsides to dental work..lots of ice cream.

My company for the rest of the day.

Stupid teeth with no point but to cause pain.

Wednesday Mash Up

Geez y'all!! I have been cccrrraazzzyyy busy this week. After my 'digital detox' and being out of town for the weekend I feel like everything got a little out of whack. Like I'm just a step behind. We just got around to grocery shopping tonight...and it was MANDATORY..because we were out of everything. Jeremy and I have both been sick. It was rainy today. Ya know...LIFE keeps happening. lol.
But I know everything will get back to normal soon enough.

I had a super great weekend. My mom and I drove up to see my sister for her birthday but we were able to sneak up to Denton to see Jonessa and her brand new baby boy, Seth! Poor Jonessa had that dazed and confused look going on. Being a brand new Momma is hard work.

We surprised my sister with our visit..she had no idea we were coming. But THEN we surprised her with a party at her apartment. I have discovered that I am not a very good liar when under pressure. I am NOT able to lie on the fly!

Jonessa suggested speaking with a foreign accent to confuse the person I am speaking to long enough to think of something else to say. Good idea...except I was trying to fib to my sister. I'm not sure she would have fallen for the foreign accent.

My cousin, Briana (she is presenting the cupcakes above), who lives with my sister is celebrating her birthday today {Happy Birthday, Bri!}. And my sister planned a surprise birthday party for HER on Sunday. So..it was one crazy weekend of surprise birthday parties at my sister's place.

*Subject change*

Has anyone else tried BodyCombat at the gym? It's like Tae Bo...on crack. I LOVE it! It get's my heart rate up and I'm sweating. It's a great way to get out any frustrations. Even though I know I'm NOT..it makes me feel like a total bad ass.

OH! Guess what I signed up for today?! The Hot Chocolate 5k next month!!! I'll run for chocolate. There is a time restriction of a 15 mile..after that they open the roads back up to traffic. I've only AVERAGED a 14: 21 mile on my own at a walk/jog pace...so hopefully I won't be waved off the course for being too slow. Nervous! Excited!

OH! AND! I got my Jessica Simpson dress in. My Facebook people have already seen this pic but I'll share with y'all too!

August 11 2004

"Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. If anyone has had a worse case of the blahs, I'd like to know. I don't think my blah's have anything to do with my birthday. Actually, my birthday is something I have been looking forward to. I think my blah's are something I have been trying to fight off. My blah's are trying very hard to dive into a depression. I seem to only be able to maintain "happy" for a handful of weeks at a time before returning to this serious case of the blues. Even though I feel like I have taken some baby steps to improve my life I have this nagging critic inside telling me it's not enough. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just be happy, but I don't think depression listens to reason.

My body image is a big part of my unhappiness. I hate my body. I mean, I HATE it. I feel myself slipping back into the disgusted mind set. I don't want to look at myself naked and I certainly don't want Jeremy seeing me naked. I hate the way all my clothes fit me.

When did this happen to me?

When did I become this disgusting fat frump?

I am 24. I should be able to wear all those cute styles and cute shoes and look and feel sexy. You would think my self-loathing would be enough to drive me to do something about my body, but no. I can't even work up the drive or self-restraint it takes to diet and exercise. So I'm fat and lazy and pathetic and disgusting. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could be easier on myself, but I can't keep candy coating it.

I am fat and I keep getting fatter.

I don't want to be the fat girl. I want clothes to fit me. I don't want to see my fat rolls all the time. I want to be able to walk with my head up, but right now I am just too ashamed of how I have let myself go."

I found this in a journal stuffed inside my nightstand drawer. Did you cringe reading it? Because I did. A lot of self-hate going on. It took two more years before I was ready to actually do something, really do something about how I felt about my body. And it took me three more years of slowly changing my lifestyle, of gaining ground only ounces at a time, to finally reach my goal weight. Seven years, seven whole years. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much happier I was going to be once I got to the other side of this journey. Maybe it would have happened sooner if I could.

But it makes me think about all the other people out there that are struggling with their self-image. Maybe they are, at this very moment, in the same place I was when I wrote that journal entry. So, I can't go back and tell myself anything but I can tell you...this is not the end of your story. There are many, many more chapters. Its ok if it takes you some time to get through THIS chapter, just know..that you WILL get through it. Can't wait to see you on the other side of YOUR journey..no matter how long it takes you to get there.

Conversations At Home

Me: All these earthquakes are making me nervous.

Jeremy: Why?

Me: I don't know. I feel like the earth is gearing up for something big.

Jeremy: There are earthquakes all the time, its just the media trying to work everyone up. 2012 and all that end of the world bull crap.

Me: I'm not worried about it being the end of the world. No one can predict that.

Jeremy: Right. Besides I think when this world comes to an end, human beings won't exist anymore. Actually, I think human beings are going to be the end of human beings. We are going to destroy ourselves.

My Vision Board

The girls over at Tone It Up have challenged their readers to make a vision board. So, I started thinking about what I wanted more of in my life and then headed over to Pinterest to search for the perfect images to make my vision board.

Here is what I came up with. If I could have squeezed more images on there I would have, but this helped me pinpoint what I REALLY wanted to focus on.



I want to be less afraid of failure. I want more love, more passion, more kisses, more smoldering looks, more flirting. I want a LOT more laughter. I want to feel inspired. I want to spend more time with friends. I want a tighter body. I want creativity to STRIKE, I want it to flow into me and through me. I want to always feel that I can do anything, at any time..its never too late, never.

What would be on your vision board?


P.S. Don't think for a second I've forgotten about my 100 follower giveaway. It's coming, my lovelies!

Make Impossible Possible

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

Right in the ear

At about 4:30 this morning I was awakened from a deep, dream-filled sleep by a crackling noise. You know when you have soap suds in your ear and the sound it makes when the water is dissolving it? That was the sound that was in my ear..except I didn't have any soap suds in my ear because I had been sleeping.

Automatically, I was wide awake. And all the episodes of 'Untold Stories of the ER' that I had ever watched flashed before my eyes. My mind went straight to worst case scenario...do not pass go, do not collect $200. OMG, I have a roach in my ear! In my head I was screaming 'Get it out! Get it out!' But I sat up in bed and calmly (at least I thought I sounded calm)told Jeremy 'I think I have a bug in my ear'. As he got out of bed and turned on the light I started to panic just a little, 'Do we need to go to the doctor?' I felt the fluttering in my ear. 'Yes, yes, I think we should go to the doctor.'

By this time Jeremy and I had moved to the bathroom. I was trying very hard not to claw at my ear. As I stood there, very still, trying not to hyper-ventilate I was waiting for Jeremy to get the tweezers or something. He was doing something next to me and when I glanced over he was scrolling on his cell phone. 'What are you doing?' I asked, my voice may or may not have shot up a few octaves in sheer panic. 'I'm getting my flashlight app.' That's right, people. Who needs actual flashlights when we have flashlight apps? Jeremy was telling me to stay calm and not freak out. And I was trying, really I was..but hhheeellllooo, there was a ROACH! In my EAR!

Before he could even get the flashlight app working I felt the roach..bug..roach..move to the outside of my ear. The urge to swat at my ear was so strong but I was afraid if I did it might encourage the bug..roach..bug to go BACK in my ear so I stayed still. Jeremy took a look and determined that the bug had in fact exited my ear...and it was just a little bitty gnat.

So, no roach in my ear. Thank God. And I don't think I'll be watching 'Untold Stories of the ER' anymore.

My name is Jinny..

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

..and I'm a recovering food junkie.

I know sometimes people don't quite understand my relationship with food. Or maybe they think they understand. OR maybe they think I'm kidding when I talk about my own 'recovery'.

I look at my previous relationship with food as an abusive one. It would lure me in, distract me, promise me the moon and stars. And then it would destroy my will power, my body, my self-esteem. But, for the longest time, I could not stop the cycle.

I once ate five donuts in one day. I had brought the donuts for everyone but the box was left by my desk...bad idea. All day they whispered in my ear. I swear I could SMELL them. And while I was sure no one would see me, I had five donuts...along with the rest of my 'normal' food.

I use to consume little debbie snacks after I got home from work, before Jeremy got home so he didn't see. And I would make sure to stuff the wrappers down in the trash so he wouldn't notice.

If I walked into the breakroom and another group was having a goodie day (pot luck), I would pick over their desserts and keep one eye on the door to make sure I didn't get caught red handed.

That was my life with food. It's like I KNEW what I was doing wasn't right and yet I could not stop myself. I've somehow, over the last several years, re-trained my brain and broke the cycle..thank God. I haven't had a little debbie snack in..I can't even remember how long and the thought never crosses my mind to buy them. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have a split second of indecision whenever confronted with a box of donuts left for anyone or a table full of sugary goodness. The voice is still in my head that I could have just ONE more (it's Christmas, your birthday, Saturday, President's day...after all).

I'm not sure the voice will ever be totally silent. It will probably be with me for the rest of my life. I have a roll of mental duct tape now, however, and I'm no longer afraid to wrangle that bitch to the ground and tape her big fat mouth shut.

Fear

1. Deep water. I've always had a fear of water. It took me for-ever to wash my own hair in the bathtub. I'm not sure why I'm so scared. It's not like I have ever been close to drowning. I was sort of born with it. Once, when we were in Florida, I just about refused to get on a speed boat to go to an island.
2. I mentioned that I was claustrophobic. Yeah, crowded spaces are NOT for me.

3. I'm afraid of getting fat again. It's sort of an irrational fear. I have an eye on the scale (and it hasn't budged in months) but I still worry that one morning I might wake up and be 200+ lbs again. Totally irrational (but that's fear for ya).