Vacation Revelations

We recently went to Florida for a family vacation with my mom and sister. My mom turned 60 and what she wanted to do was go to the beach. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time visiting my aunt and the beach was great. I didn't have a concern in the world about wearing my bikini while we were there. I didn't obsess over who might be looking at me, what they might be thinking about me. I didn't feel self-conscious at all...until I saw the pictures.

Photo-bombed by my bat arm

I'm really glad that I was able to enjoy myself in the moment. But..I'm not happy with where I let myself backslide to. If you're a new reader you might not know that a few years ago I lost 60 lbs. At my heaviest (known) weight I was 211. I've done very well at maintaining, for the most part, but I have found over the last year that the weight is creeping back on.

Near my heaviest weight

Near my lowest weight

My current weight

I've put on about 20 lbs from my lowest weight. And it's not like I didn't know it was happening. The scale doesn't lie. But I was turning a blind eye to it, putting on the back burner. Until yesterday..for the first time since I lost all the weight I couldn't wear a top because my arms were too big.

Talk about eye-opener. As I sit here, if I listen to my body, it's telling me it's not happy. I'm not comfortable, just sitting here.

So something must be done. And it will start with re-evaluating what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. I wish I could say with confidence that this will be easy...since I've done it before...but I'm not so sure that will be the case.

All the cool kids are doing it

New years always means RESOLUTIONS! You know the age old typical resolutions. This is THE year we are going to get lean and clean up our diet..right?! The TV is overflowing with ads for diet plans and exercise DVD's and equipment. According to Jillian Michaels you can just WALK AWAY the pounds..its so revolutionary! The greatest thing since sliced bread....which none of us are allowed to eat anymore...right?!



Except, March rolls around. And the newness has been brutally worn off by reality and daily life. Changing long held habits is hard. It's not fun...no, it's not. It really, really sssuuuccckkkss. It takes up a lot of time and it costs a lot of money. Especially if you want to go all in on a gym membership/diet plan/personal trainer. You have to pay all kind of fees, buy a ton more work out clothes (or do laundry every night), buy all new organic, locally grown, fresh foods and cooking supplies. Have you seen how much that crap costs?!

So, I've pretty much given up even making new year resolutions. But that doesn't mean that a sister can't try and set teeny tiny goals..that don't take a new wardrobe or gym membership to accomplish. This year I'm going to try and drink more water. I just need to do it, it's good for me and I can do it while sitting down. I'm going to try and make better food choices. I started tracking my food on myfitnesspal again. I'm going to try really hard not to let the calorie goal be a hard line in the sand for me. It's really ok if I go over it, I just want to be more mindful of what I'm eating on a daily basis.

Using a lettuce leaf rather than a tortilla is a smart move.

Making sweet potato, broccoli, and chicken for dinner is a good choice.

All I really want to do is stay hydrated, not snack too much, find fun and inexpensive ways to eat a little better, and get off my butt and workout a little more (not every day...don't be crazy). Here's to 2015 and small and manageable life changes.

What I did this weekend

You know those weekends when you get to lay around in your PJ's and do nothing? This was not one of those kind of weekends. I've been busy, busy, busy.

Saturday morning marked the first official meeting for the West Texas Angels for Animals Project. I didn't manage to snap a picture of us because I was too busy eating and/or talking. In a two hour period I don't think there was a moment of silence. We were hashing thoughts and ideas so fast I was lucky to get notes down on paper before we were on to something else. Feel free to like our Facebook page (linked above) if you like. We are open to networking dogs out of San Angelo to surrounding areas so if you are a Texas reader and you love animals, we'd love to have your support.

After the meeting, the husband and I went to see a new piece of public art. We have an organization in town called 'Art in Uncommon Places' and they have installed several pieces of art all around town from sculptures to murals. This new piece is at the base of the Lone Wolf Bridge and its called 'Forever Love', a large metal heart to put padlocks on..ala the Love Bridge in Paris.

On the back of our lock it says 'Beyond Forever'

Today we went to the carnival with my in-laws and our niece. The rodeo has been in town for the last two weeks and that means carnival time. When we were growing up, the fairgrounds were THE place to be during rodeo time. It was always crowded and the rides all seemed so large and loud and lit up. You could run around with your friends and ride your favorite rides over and over again, eat food that was terrible for you, and laugh at the silly side shows tents they had set up. I remember one year it was the snake lady. You would give up a ticket to go into this tent and there was a (fake) coiled up snake body with a (real) woman's head inside this (mirrored) box. Of course, the woman was able to talk but she couldn't move the fake snake body. Anyway, we haven't been to the carnival since we were dating. And there were no freak show tents.

I picked up the baby goat even though the sign said not to. Breaking the law!

Dolly riding the merry-go-round

Nanny had some crazy hair on the slide

She got a sno cone AND cotton candy

Dolly and I riding the caterpillar roller coaster (twice)

I tried a deep fried snickers for the first time ever. Y'all didn't want to see pictures of that. It was probably the worst thing EVER for me, but it was pretty dang delicious. Between the sunshine and the fried food I was worn out and I came home to nap for an hour.

Even though I enjoy my 'lay around and do nothing' weekends, this was a pretty awesome weekend!

What's been going on?

Well, nothing really. A whole lot of nothing. Not that I'm complaining. Not even a little bit. After the whirlwind that was December, I'll take uneventful any day {for now}. Really, we've just been trying to get back to a normal routing. Work, dinner, workouts, dog walks. It's been really hard, for some reason.

I'm bored out of my mind at work right now, when before the new year my days were zipping by. I think it's the lack of direction. I don't need much, I'm very good at working on my own..but radio silence doesn't sit well with me.

I snapped an Instagram picture this morning of my newly acquired muffin top. Apparently, it's what I gave myself for Christmas...lucky me. No gift receipt so I can't return it and I'm already wearing it..so....Let's just say I'm well within my pre-set "Danger Zone" on the scale and it's time to buckle down and get it off before it starts to think I'm keeping it for good.

I'm having to be very deliberate in my eating, once again. Things that were habit more or less have fallen away to make room for nasty old habits. Such as eating two servings at dinner and ice cream..every.single.night. I'm having to think about dinner WAY before dinner time to prepare myself mentally for only eating what my body needs me to.

Going to the gym seems to be SO HARD. I'm tired. All the time. Probably from not going to the gym. Crazy how that works. We went tonight and things that had been so easy for me were kicking my butt. Honestly, I could barely finish and had to half-ass stuff...but I DID do it. Which is better than NOT doing it at all {I keep telling myself}, so there is that.

I hate to look like I'm jumping on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon, because I'm really not. These are all things that I use to be doing..quite frequently..and with little thought. It's just so hard to get back on schedule once you allow yourself off the hook...and for as long as I did. So just don't do it y'all! Stay strong! Say no to the muffin top.

My go-to work week breakfast

Nearly every time I prepare this breakfast at work, a co-worker asks me what I'm making. They say it smells good or looks good. So, I thought I would share with y'all my oatmeal breakfast. I use to eat two packages of oatmeal at a time. Let's be honest, one package of oatmeal is...measly..it's just not enough. Or it never was for me. I had to come up with a way to fill myself up without the empty calories.

I decided, instead of adding another package of instant oatmeal, to add a sliced banana. This would help fill me up with extra fiber and add beneficial vitamins. And then I added a cup of yogurt. I prefer Brown Cow yogurt, you can use whatever yogurt you prefer.

So, I have the oatmeal in my ceramic mug and I added the sliced bananas. Then I add enough water to cover it all up. Nuke it for about 30 seconds. Then I add in the yogurt, mix it well, and nuke for another 30 seconds. This might not be for you if the idea of warm banana or yogurt oogs you out.  I have found that it is very tasty and filling. And I like that the different flavors of yogurt keep it changing enough that I don't get tired of it.

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No Coffee - Day One

It is always smart to get a good solid eight hours of sleep when you plan on skipping your usual morning coffee...for the first time...in years...the very next day.

Did I do that?

No.

I stayed up late reading a book.

Late night + No Coffee = Disaster.

Hopefully day two will go a little better.

Back on the wagon

So...I am back on the wagon.

 

Fore the last few years I've been coasting, quite content, at my current weight. But since the start of the year, my food and fitness routines have slipped into oblivion {Anyone going to see the movie Oblivion this weekend? It's on my 'to see' list.}

 

I have recommitted myself to eating better and working out on a regular basis. Not only that, but I've decided its time to actively try and lose some more weight.

 

When I first started on my weight loss journey I was 2ll lbs. My first big goal I set for myself was 150 lbs. And I eventually reached that goal...and have been at that goal for the last several years.

 

Even as great as that is...MUCH better than it was...I am still technically 'overweight' and a little on the flabby side. My goal is another 20 lbs (that will be a total of 80 lbs lost for those playing at home). I didn't give myself a time frame. We'll see how it goes.

 

I'm using a few Apps to help keep me on track:

 

1. My Fitness Pal {I'm justjinny if you want to look me up}.

Pros: It's free! You can scan a barcode from an item using the camera on your phone and it will automatically pull up that item if it's in their database (I haven't come across anything that hasn't been in there).

Cons: Adding your fitness isn't always easy, especially if it's strength training.

 

2. RunKeeper

Pros: Also free! Keeps track of your time, distance, and calorie count.

Cons: If your signal is weak on the GPS it has a harder time keeping an accurate calorie count.

 

3. Nike Training Club

Pros: You guessed it, FREE! Tons of workouts that can be done in the gym or your living room.

The battle of the belly bulge.

Jeremy and I have both been slacking. With our fitness. We've been self-indulgent for a good long time now...eating whatever we want, drinking whatever we want, and going to the gym whenever we want which is almost never.

He sent me this picture, which got us talking about our fitness goals :

Him: I need to start working on that six pack.
Me: Ha ha! I want a six pack too.
Me: Sooo, we're going to the gym right?
Me: Yes
Me: We
Me: Are
 {which we didn't...by the way}
Him: You know if we want to get into that good of shape we're gonna have to get into some hardcore training and dieting. Like seven days a week.
Me: I know! *groan*
Him: Well, maybe we should quit playing around.
Me: Maybe..in which case, I need some more workout clothes.
 {which I haven't bought yet..by the way}

I know I have heard and read that getting defined abs..or muscles, in general, is not all about what you do in the gym. A lot of it is what you eat. I know my cousin, Natalie, {the little fitness instructor/energizer bunny} and my cousin friend, Josie, are big on eating clean.

I've talked about this. I've looked into it. I've window shopped at the grocery store. But it comes down to..I don't want to eat a bunch of beans and tofu!! And I'm not really seeing any other way of "eating clean". My husband works hard all day...I can't make him a bean salad for dinner!  So, we are meat eaters. Anyone have any great healthy recipes with MEAT (we eat a lot of chicken..some fish..and some ground beef (or turkey)..but mostly chicken).

Maybe my unwillingness to eat bean sprouts means we are doomed to have jiggly bellies. But I can still dream, right? At least???

Random thoughts on a sleep deprived Monday

1. I stayed up too late last night reading {Defiant by Pamela Clare}. Even after I put the book aside I had a really hard time finding sleep. It was an on again/off again thing until the alarm went off at 5:30.

2. Because I was tired and grouchy my coworkers were annoying me..by just sitting there. I managed not to get into an argument with anyone..but I'm not sure how.

3. Did y'all hear about the Octomom signing up for gofundme.com so people, regular ol' people like you and me, can give her money? For nothing in return! Does that really work? I'm totally doing it.

4. I removed the word verification thingy from my blog comments {you're welcome}, but I'm getting pissed at the stupid spam comments. I get excited when I see an email that tells me I have a comment waiting for approval just to have my mood soured to find its a spammer. Boo.

5. But I have been loving the upswing in comments lately from y'all..the real human people out there. I love hearing from y'all.

6. I have become a little discouraged with my weigh loss/fitness. I still have a little too much jiggle to my wiggle. But I'm having a hard time committing to a solid work out schedule or curbing my food intake. I haven't gained any weight, no worries, but I'm still considered overweight and I'm just..jiggly. Too jiggly.

Things I Learned Yesterday

1. Asparagus is really good with hummus.

2. How to pronounce Quinoa {Keen-wa}

3. Eating healthy costs a lot of money.

4. That a sweet potato can be completely baked in the microwave in just 8 minutes.

5. It's very important to chop sweet potato chips evenly so some of them don't burn to a crisp.

6. Agave syrup is great in coffee {ok, I learned that this morning but still..}

7. Sweet potatoes make pretty good brownies {I learned a lot about sweet potatoes}

8. Little boys take playing Captain America VERY seriously.

9. That family takes you just as you are, with holes in the wall and animal hair on the floor.

10. BodyCOMBAT is awesome..so awesome that we spontaneously break into jab/cross jabs and double knees right in the living room.

August 11 2004

"Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. If anyone has had a worse case of the blahs, I'd like to know. I don't think my blah's have anything to do with my birthday. Actually, my birthday is something I have been looking forward to. I think my blah's are something I have been trying to fight off. My blah's are trying very hard to dive into a depression. I seem to only be able to maintain "happy" for a handful of weeks at a time before returning to this serious case of the blues. Even though I feel like I have taken some baby steps to improve my life I have this nagging critic inside telling me it's not enough. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just be happy, but I don't think depression listens to reason.

My body image is a big part of my unhappiness. I hate my body. I mean, I HATE it. I feel myself slipping back into the disgusted mind set. I don't want to look at myself naked and I certainly don't want Jeremy seeing me naked. I hate the way all my clothes fit me.

When did this happen to me?

When did I become this disgusting fat frump?

I am 24. I should be able to wear all those cute styles and cute shoes and look and feel sexy. You would think my self-loathing would be enough to drive me to do something about my body, but no. I can't even work up the drive or self-restraint it takes to diet and exercise. So I'm fat and lazy and pathetic and disgusting. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could be easier on myself, but I can't keep candy coating it.

I am fat and I keep getting fatter.

I don't want to be the fat girl. I want clothes to fit me. I don't want to see my fat rolls all the time. I want to be able to walk with my head up, but right now I am just too ashamed of how I have let myself go."

I found this in a journal stuffed inside my nightstand drawer. Did you cringe reading it? Because I did. A lot of self-hate going on. It took two more years before I was ready to actually do something, really do something about how I felt about my body. And it took me three more years of slowly changing my lifestyle, of gaining ground only ounces at a time, to finally reach my goal weight. Seven years, seven whole years. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much happier I was going to be once I got to the other side of this journey. Maybe it would have happened sooner if I could.

But it makes me think about all the other people out there that are struggling with their self-image. Maybe they are, at this very moment, in the same place I was when I wrote that journal entry. So, I can't go back and tell myself anything but I can tell you...this is not the end of your story. There are many, many more chapters. Its ok if it takes you some time to get through THIS chapter, just know..that you WILL get through it. Can't wait to see you on the other side of YOUR journey..no matter how long it takes you to get there.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself

Right now, as I sit here writing this blog, my jeans are feeling snug around my tummy. I can't allow myself to put the blinders on and pretend like I don't notice. I can't allow myself to shrug it off, or make excuses.

I've been double dipping at dinner. Going back to my old way of eating. Grabbing seconds without deciding if I was really still hungry. I've been indulging in a lot of sweet treats. I've been letting my boredom manage my stomach.

I've been slacking off at the gym. We went yesterday but I didn't fully extend myself. I got off the elliptical machine early, I cut rep sets in half. It was just an all over, half-assed, cop out to make myself feel less guilty.

I don't want to become complacent. I don't want to become over-indulgent. I do not want to move backward...only forward.

Just In Case..

I know I've been posting some 'before/after' pictures lately. And I realized that some of y'all might not have been reading my blog long enough to know that I use to weigh over 200 lbs and about my journey to get healthy.

I use to blog about it (imagine that) over at A Fat Girl in the Real World. I don't post there anymore, but I keep it around and browse through it every now and again. Anyway, I thought I'd share the link in case any of you wanted to go and check it out..get some of the 'back story'.

Tuesday Randoms

1. It seems that somehow I have held the PMS monster at bay. This would be 'hell week' as I affectionately call the week leading up to my period. But the usual moodiness (i.e. getting totally pissed off over everything and then crying myself into a heap on the bathroom floor in a matter of 2.5 seconds) has been wonderfully absent. I probably shouldn't question it..just roll with the happy's while I have them.

2. Lola's paw seems to be ok. The crack is still there but she hasn't been licking it or even limping. I think she will survive...I guess that means I will to (I'm a slightly over-protective Momma and will probably still bring it up to the vet on Thursday).

3. We are joining a gym this weekend! I am thrilled and intimidated all at once. I know it will be good for us. Eating right can only get you so far and both of us have been consistently sporadic with our workouts. But paying for a gym membership sort of means we HAVE to go. I can't let the money go to waste. It's like I want to do it, but I don't want to do it. You know what I mean? Hopefully it will help me lose these last few pounds that are keeping me in the 'overweight' category and get me all toned up!

4. I need a haircut in a bad way. My hair is a hot mess. I'm torn between cutting my bangs back off or just getting them trimmed so they blend better with the rest of my hair. I'd say they are about mid-cheek right now. I just know I have to do something. They get in my face, barely too short to tuck behind my ears, so I pin them back a lot of the time. I just need someone who knows what they are doing with a pair of scissors to please take pity on my poor hair and work it out!

5. Anyone ever watch 'Strange Sex' on TLC? I happened to catch about five minutes of it the other night. This man was suffering from POIS, Postorgasmic illness syndrome. Basically these poor people (a quick, very quick, google search seems to only include guys..so I'm not sure if women suffer from this or not) suffer flu like symptoms for days after they climax. Doesn't that sound so shitty? To experience something SO great, to experiencing something so crappy?! What is up with that? It's not right, I tell you, just not right.

Portion Control for the Gadget Generation

Back when I was on Weight Watchers one of the most helpful things I learned was how to eyeball a serving size. WW compared a serving size with another item that was similar in size. For example, a serving of chicken should be about the size of a deck of cards..or the size of your palm (minus the fingers).

Today I came across a neat little article in the newspaper about other items that can be used to "eyeball" a serving size. This may be a great guide for a youngster trying to stay healthy (not skinny).

Smartphone= 3 ounces of chicken, meat or fish.

Small thumb drive= 1 tablespoon of salad dressing, sour cream, mayo.

First generation iPod shuffle= 1 ounce of cheese.

Computer mouse= 1 baked potato.

Pedometer= 1/4 cup of raisins or other dried fruit.

One side of headphones= 1 cup of cereal, soup, vegetables, or cut-up fruit.

iPod Nano= 1 ounce of chocolate.

CD= 1 slice of bread.

AC power adapter= 1/2 cup ice cream or frozen yogurt.

Two earbuds= 1 teaspoon olive oil or peanut butter.