Monday, November 22, 2010

My name is Jinny..


“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

..and I'm a recovering food junkie.

I know sometimes people don't quite understand my relationship with food. Or maybe they think they understand. OR maybe they think I'm kidding when I talk about my own 'recovery'.

I look at my previous relationship with food as an abusive one. It would lure me in, distract me, promise me the moon and stars. And then it would destroy my will power, my body, my self-esteem. But, for the longest time, I could not stop the cycle.

I once ate five donuts in one day. I had brought the donuts for everyone but the box was left by my desk...bad idea. All day they whispered in my ear. I swear I could SMELL them. And while I was sure no one would see me, I had five donuts...along with the rest of my 'normal' food.

I use to consume little debbie snacks after I got home from work, before Jeremy got home so he didn't see. And I would make sure to stuff the wrappers down in the trash so he wouldn't notice.

If I walked into the breakroom and another group was having a goodie day (pot luck), I would pick over their desserts and keep one eye on the door to make sure I didn't get caught red handed.

That was my life with food. It's like I KNEW what I was doing wasn't right and yet I could not stop myself. I've somehow, over the last several years, re-trained my brain and broke the cycle..thank God. I haven't had a little debbie snack in..I can't even remember how long and the thought never crosses my mind to buy them. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have a split second of indecision whenever confronted with a box of donuts left for anyone or a table full of sugary goodness. The voice is still in my head that I could have just ONE more (it's Christmas, your birthday, Saturday, President's day...after all).

I'm not sure the voice will ever be totally silent. It will probably be with me for the rest of my life. I have a roll of mental duct tape now, however, and I'm no longer afraid to wrangle that bitch to the ground and tape her big fat mouth shut.



3 comments:

  1. Yes. I know what that means. And I love the Carlin quote because that pretty much sums it up.

    I know I'll always see myself as The Fat Girl, even though I'm not anymore. Part of me thinks that's a bad thing, the other half thinks it's a weird motivator.

    I am so proud of you and your success, and glad to know you as a fellow traveler on this journey!

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  2. I believe we are kindred. I have a love-hate relationship with food.... it's a killer and constant thing for me to work on.

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  3. Im new to the blogging world, but I am now following yours. Thank you for this post! It sounds like me exactly, and seeing how far you have come, makes me feel stronger. :)

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