Lists. Stuff. Panic.

It always seems to happen about this time of year. My head becomes a hurricane of thoughts. I can't seem to control it or contain it. Usually, when my head fills up with thoughts to the point of giving me a headache, making lists helps. But not when I'm like this. I've made lists, and sub-lists. But they are just lists. The things on those lists aren't getting done. *panic, panic* I have to tell myself to just breath. Relax. It's not the end of the world. *breath, breath*

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas. Which probably has a lot to do with it. I try to plan ahead so that I don't feel like this at Christmas time. Sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. *breath, breath* I think about Christmas cards, and who will get them, and who will care if they don't. We didn't even DO Christmas cards last year, and although no one said anything about it, it really bothered me. So, I'm trying very hard to get it together for this year. My Christmas lists are started, in my head at least. Maybe if I buy a little something here and there it won't be such a rush to get it done in December? *Sigh* I can hope right?

And the writing. The writing is making me mad. I have so much of story swirling around in my head. Now, along with the first book I've started I have an idea for another. I'm trying to write stuff down for both as it comes to me. Sometimes my mind is locked on just one of them, and so I write. Or I'll see something or hear something that I want to try and add in, so I write..or at least jot it down. Sometimes I feel like I could sit here at this computer and type, type, type. But other times I sit here and stare at the screen. Its there, in my head, it just won't come. And its times like those I wish I had a laptop. Then maybe I can change my scene a little. Get in bed..and write. Sit on my back patio..and write. Lay down on the couch..and write. At least that's the way I THINK it would happen. I've never owned a laptop, so I don't really know. But getting one is on my list...on one of them, anyways.

How To Charm Me

At my family reunion a while back, my husband and I were sitting together in comfortable silence. And then, out of the blue, he says to me...

Him: I like your hair longer. It frames your face better.

I look over at him and smile..

Me: Are you trying to say you think I look pretty?

He smiles too and then blushes...

Him: Yeah.

I yam what I yam

DNA. Genes. Is it possible to have the same tendencies of a parent that you aren't even close with? Is personality genetic? I mean, I understand taking after a parent when you grew up around that parent. That seems natural, to pick up on some of their mannerisms or behaviors. But, what about the absent parents? Can you still take after them even if they aren't around?

I'm starting to think so.

You see, my dad hasn't really been apart of my life for a really long time. Especially during the teenage into adulthood part. There were a lot of things that probably kept my dad away, none of which I really want to go into on THIS post, but I think for the most part it was his dislike of conflict. My dad is a pacifist..to the point of being a slug (I know my mom is totally huffing right now, she hates it when I talk bad about my dad). He would much rather walk away from a situation then deal with the conflict that would be required to FIX the situation. I use to be very angry at my dad for leaving. I wanted to know why. Why didn't he stay? Why didn't he fight? Weren't we important enough to him? The 'conflict' didn't have anything to do with us, but my dad still was unable to deal with it so he left and had no contact with us for many, many years. When I would try and express my frustrations to my mom she would tell me that's just how my dad is. And he isn't ever going to change.

I've let go of a lot of that anger. It's not so important to me anymore to know WHY he did what he did. Because, one..he can't ever go back and change it..and two, he is who he is and nothing is going to change that.

I told y'all that to tell you this. In a much smaller way, I'm a lot like my dad. I'd like to think that I could never walk away from my kids, can't say for sure because I don't have any yet. And I wouldn't consider myself a sluggish pacifist. I have a lot of passion in me..a lot of opinions (that sometimes get me in trouble), and a strong sense of what is right and wrong (i.e. riding a high horse or see above 'righteous' anger with the daddy) and sometimes I DO take on the conflict if I think it's worth it. But, I also choose to walk away from certain situations rather than deal with the conflict. Sometimes, probably most times, it saves me a lot of drama that I don't really need in my life. My mom asks me why I don't say anything, why I don't tell those people how I feel or what I think. Well Mom, it's because this is who I am..and I'm probably never going to change. And I'm ok with that.

By Request.

I think most of you are leaning towards shorter, but here is a picture of the dress pinned up anyway.

Your Opinions Needed

So, I watched the premiere of Project Runway on Thursday night. Jeremy watched too, sort of (he was on the computer at the same time). I love when my husband watches shows like these with me. It's so funny to hear a guys point of view. He also watches America's Next Top Model with me (Yes you do, honey. Don't deny it.) and I love when he gets all opinionated about the models or the judges.

Anyway! That is not what this post is about. During the opening scene with all the designers were on the roof to talk with Heidi and Tim, I was admiring Heidi's dress. I also noted that it had a similar shape to my new little black dress, but hers was shorter. Which got me thinking about the length of my little black dress. I am sure that Heidi's dress is a bit shorter than I would feel comfortable going but it did make me wonder if my little black dress wouldn't look better hemmed right about my knee.

I searched and SEARCHED for a good shot of Heidi in her fab dress and this was as close as I could get. Actually this was the ONLY screen shot I found and sadly it doesn't even know the length of it. But, if you look close enough to the bottom of her dress you can tell that where the photo cuts off is about as long as that dress is.

And here is my little black dress again.

So what do y'all think? Keep it blow the knee? Or maybe having it tailored to just above the knee?

Someone stop that truck that ran over me!

It's official. I'm old.

My husband went to a friends house on Sunday night for a fantasy football draft. He left the house at 8:00 and didn't get home until 1:45. I didn't care that he was out late. I mean, to count the times I've stayed out late (later than 1:45) and compare them to him..well, let's just say he is behind. Anyway, not a big deal to me. I was in bed and flipping through the channels, trying to wind down. At about 12:30 I turned the TV off and tried to go to sleep. Tried being the key word. I tossed and turned and stared at the ceiling for an hour and 45 minutes. I could NOT go to sleep. And that pissed me off. There was no reason why I should be laying there at 1:00 in the morning staring at my ceiling. I was tired! Why couldn't I sleep? Once Jeremy got him I did doze off, but I kept waking up every hour or so. It just wasn't a good night.

And then early Tuesday morning (or very late Monday night) one of our cats decided to throw up...multiple times. Jeremy got up each and every time to find the mess and clean it up. Again, sleep interrupted for both of us.

Last night was ok, I slept hard all night long. But, I am STILL tired. Besides the lack of sleep this week has kicked my ass. There hasn't been a lot of work, but I've had some really hard cases to take care of. Things that have required a lot of phone calls to different people and a lot of paperwork (so to speak, everything is on the computer). And this morning, when Jeremy dropped me off at work, everyone was outside. The fire alarm had gone off. So there I stood, SLEEPY, in HEELS, trying to sip my coffee. We were finally allowed back in side just to have to walk out again two hours later due to ANOTHER fire alarm. No, I'm not kidding. And just about the time I walked all the way outside, they told us we could all go back inside. *groan*

Oh, and THEN, my internet was not working yesterday afternoon. I tried unplugging my modem and letting it re-set, TWICE. I re-booted the computer. All that stuff. And then I called tech support *double groan*. I was on the phone for probably 30 minutes with a very nice foreign girl who was very obviously reading from a script. After I jumped through her hoops she informed me that my modem (which our internet provider sent to us when we got the service) wasn't communicating with our computer. And look at that, it's out of warranty but for only $9.99 per month they could set us up with an extended warranty. Um, why would I want to buy a monthly warranty for a piece of equipment that isn't mine? I passed on their 'generous' offer. And she let me off the line with a good day. Well, that fixed exactly NOTHING. We unhooked the modem (for the third time), shut off the computer, and went to run some errands. When we came home, Jeremy hooked everything back up and TA-DA everything magically works again (although things have been moving a BIT sluggish). Not sure if its our computer (I don't think it is..Jeremy has run every virus scan, ad-ware scan, and general computer scrubber that we have and nothing) but if the issues don't work themselves out we might be shopping around for a new internet provider or modem or maybe BOTH.

I'm PMS'ing in a bad way..slightly emotional, eating everything in sight, breaking out like a 15-year old.

I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for a week.

Where is the restart button for my LIFE?!

How To Charm Me

Buy me more bagels even though I didn't mention that I'd run out.

Shopping Sunday

I swear, y'all. I don't know what's come over me. I have the fever...fashion fever. In the last two weeks I have bought, not one, but TWO fashion magazines. I'm calling my BFF and sister on the phone while shopping to ask them for their advice. I'm eyeing a piece of clothing and wondering if I can make it transition into fall. I can't help it! It's just been so long since I could walk into a department store and find things that fit, cute fashionable things.

So, today I went to Catos. This isn't a store that I usually shop at (however, after today that might change) but I received a giftcard for my birthday. Oh my goodness. I found a ton of stuff. And most of it was on sale. Here is my loot.

Please don't look at my messed up hairdo. My hair was on strike today.

First off, a cute plaid tunic. It's ruched at the waist to keep it cinched in, which I like. I could add a belt to it..so I'll have to keep an eye out for one. And those are my new SKINNY jeans that I bought on Friday. I have flats on and I think it looks cute, but I could also throw on some heels or a wedge and it would work.


This is my business type outfit. I have a simple grey shirt that has puffed sleeves that I bought at Old Navy that I think would look good with these carpi's also. I seriously need a pair of black wedge sandals or flats. All I have are towering heels or flip flops. And although the heels work, something a little more comfortable would be nice. Any suggestions?


And my two favorite buys. My NEW little black dress and my purse (which my sister helped me pick out per a phone consultation). I feel like a million bucks in this dress. And it was on sale for only $9.99! I also got the cute headband with the black flower today as well.


Seriously, my cute hair has taken the day off. Geez! Ha ha. But that's ok. This is me, crappy ass hair and all. OH..I also got a pair of earrings and a necklace. They aren't in any of my pictures. And I got all of this for under $100. I'd say it was quite a successful shopping trip.

Coming Full Circle

I'll be honest, I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. My mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law were talking today about what they learned in kindergarten. Y'all I couldn't tell you what my teachers name was to save my life. What I do remember comes to me in flashes, rarely full memories. I remember specific events rather than a whole time period.

My mom is going through all of our pictures and working with my grandma to put them in organized albums. Yesterday I was at her house and 'helped' her (she yelled at me for getting them out of order..ha ha)remove the rubber cement off of the photos. I can't explain the feeling that came over me to look at all of these pictures of ME when I was a little girl. It was like my life, spread out on my sisters bed. And even with the pictures, I couldn't remember how I felt or what I thought or what my favorite cartoon was or who my best friend was. But, it made me feel connected...to myself...to my past. As if my life was coming full circle right before my eyes.

Happy Birthday to me!!

The New Doctor

So, if you've been reading my blog for a while I'm sure you figured that my husband and I have been having some issues with getting pregnant. I've been seeing the same doctor since 2004 and have been through many different tests and procedures and what not. At the end of 2007, after two years of poking and prodding..discovering I have endometriosis..and losing a pregnancy, the doctor I had been seeing ordered blood work to be done so we can 'start over again'. And this was after he asked me if we still wanted to try and conceive *blink blink*.

'Oh no, doc. The last two years were just for fun.'

I think my world fell apart a little in that examining room. I cried, but not in front of doctor, no I cried on the poor nurses shoulder. I walked out of there, right passed the blood work lab, and haven't been back since. But, I know that I need to take care of myself and at least go for my yearly check ups. However, I also knew that I didn't want to go back to the same doctor. I needed someone that had time for a little compassion and understanding, even if it wasn't real. I just needed a little more from my doctor. So, I asked around..and I also switched insurance at work this year which allowed me the chance to see even more doctors.

Today was my appointment with a brand new doctor at a different hospital. I was very nervous, even though this was just for a yearly checkup. I hadn't gone for even one of those in over a year. I didn't expect to go into detail about my infertility issues this time around. I figured, if I liked this doctor I would see them again and we could talk about all of that later. However, the doctor was very interested in my infertility. We had a long chat in the examining room about my history, of course she had copies of my medical history that she flipped through as we talked. I can't explain it really, but I felt like she was listening to what I was saying and that she was actually talking TO me and not AT me. After the exam, she turned at the door and asked 'Are you ok?' before stepping out to let me dress and I nodded and told her I was fine.

Y'all, I could have cried!

That was all I needed, it's all I wanted. Just a little 'how ya doing? nice to see ya. how can I help you?'. We talked a little more in her office afterwards, and formed a loose game plan for the next several months in regards to my infertility. I'm not expecting miracles, I've already been through so much already. But, it's nice to talk to someone that has a strategy..and is willing to share it with me..and then make sure that I'M ok with it before starting it.

It was refreshing and probably the best yearly visit I've ever had.

Yes or No?

Weekly Winners

I told him he looked like a supermodel and he just laughed.

Summertime in a picture.

Taking turns, an important life lesson.

On no, my fingers are wrinkly! I'm too young for this.

A pretty defense.

Green isn't my color.

A land before time.


See other great weekly winners over at
Sarcastic Mom.

I love a good buy

This Glamour magazine I picked up at the store today is full of all sorts of goodies. I even used a little tidbit of info to post over on A Fat Girl in the Real World. Anyway, these sort of magazines use to annoy me. They would write about getting designer looks for reasonable prices. And then they will list items that were still $100 and up..way up. How is that reasonable?

Well, it's not reasonable for me. However, I spent my afternoon scoring this magazine. What I was looking for were items that were $50 or less. THAT was reasonable to me. And what I found was that there are deals out there, very good deals. You just might have to look a little harder.

Anyway, they had an article about the 24 best beauty buys. Readers voted on their favorite beauty products, both drugstore and department store finds, and these are the results. I'm listing only the 'drugstore' finds, because being the frugal diva that I am, it's what I'm most interested in.

Best mascara - Maybelline New York Great Lash Mascara. It's the mascara in the pink tube, and it's what I use currently.

Best shampoos - Pantene Pro-V Beautiful Lengths Shampoo.

Best conditioners - Pantene Pro-V Beautiful Lengths Conditioner.

Best eye creams - Olay Regenerist Eye Lifting Serum

Best blush - Covergirl Cheekers Blush

Best body product - Avenno Daily Moisturizing Lotion (Also, I'll mention the 'department store' product, since it's not much more expensive - Bath & Body Works Body Lotion in Japanese Cherry Blossom)

Best facial moisturizers - Avenno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer with SPF 30

Best self-tanners - Dove Energy Glow Beauty Body Lotion

Best hairstyling product - Aussie Catch the Wave Sprunch Hair Spray

Best fragrance - Curious Britney Spears

So there you have it. These products have been road tested, they are affordable, and can be easily found in your local drugstore/grocery store. Go forth and beautify and save.

Happy Birthday, Bloggy

Well, it's been two eventful years on A Girl in the Real World. Who would have thought I would still be updating this thing on a nearly daily basis?

Here is to another year full of laughter, and tears, and stories..old or new, and photos, and art, and LOVE, and ADVENTURE!

No one sees

"Did you hear? Tonya is pregnant."

I smile and nod and say all those words I'm suppose to say. It's an effort, a thought process, to keep the smile from slipping off my face.

Most conversations don't turn towards my pregnancy, or lack there of, anymore. Most people don't mention it. What more is there to say? And I don't think I could keep the smile on my face if anyone thought to pat my shoulder or pity me.

I shrug it off, and talk the talk of being young and in love. And I am...and I am. But there is still this empty place in me. I'm not sure it will ever be filled. But, I keep it hidden. I keep it in my heart.

And when I'm alone I let the smile slip.

And I let the tears come.

And I pity myself for this emptiness inside of me.

I allow myself, for this brief moment, to shatter into a million little pieces. I question God in these moments. I am at my weakest in these moments. But then I pull it all back together. Put all the pieces back in place.

And no one sees.
No one sees.

I'm pretty sure I need these..

Three Little Monkeys

Fashion Don't...Fashion Do

Fashion DON'T...Oh my GAWD!


Fashion DO..

I received a lot of compliments at work when I wore this outfit.
Dress: JC Penny's
Shoes: Target

*sorry for the crappy picture..lol