"Did you hear? Tonya is pregnant."
I smile and nod and say all those words I'm suppose to say. It's an effort, a thought process, to keep the smile from slipping off my face.
Most conversations don't turn towards my pregnancy, or lack there of, anymore. Most people don't mention it. What more is there to say? And I don't think I could keep the smile on my face if anyone thought to pat my shoulder or pity me.
I shrug it off, and talk the talk of being young and in love. And I am...and I am. But there is still this empty place in me. I'm not sure it will ever be filled. But, I keep it hidden. I keep it in my heart.
And when I'm alone I let the smile slip.
And I let the tears come.
And I pity myself for this emptiness inside of me.
I allow myself, for this brief moment, to shatter into a million little pieces. I question God in these moments. I am at my weakest in these moments. But then I pull it all back together. Put all the pieces back in place.
And no one sees.
No one sees.