Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I yam what I yam

DNA. Genes. Is it possible to have the same tendencies of a parent that you aren't even close with? Is personality genetic? I mean, I understand taking after a parent when you grew up around that parent. That seems natural, to pick up on some of their mannerisms or behaviors. But, what about the absent parents? Can you still take after them even if they aren't around?

I'm starting to think so.

You see, my dad hasn't really been apart of my life for a really long time. Especially during the teenage into adulthood part. There were a lot of things that probably kept my dad away, none of which I really want to go into on THIS post, but I think for the most part it was his dislike of conflict. My dad is a pacifist..to the point of being a slug (I know my mom is totally huffing right now, she hates it when I talk bad about my dad). He would much rather walk away from a situation then deal with the conflict that would be required to FIX the situation. I use to be very angry at my dad for leaving. I wanted to know why. Why didn't he stay? Why didn't he fight? Weren't we important enough to him? The 'conflict' didn't have anything to do with us, but my dad still was unable to deal with it so he left and had no contact with us for many, many years. When I would try and express my frustrations to my mom she would tell me that's just how my dad is. And he isn't ever going to change.

I've let go of a lot of that anger. It's not so important to me anymore to know WHY he did what he did. Because, one..he can't ever go back and change it..and two, he is who he is and nothing is going to change that.

I told y'all that to tell you this. In a much smaller way, I'm a lot like my dad. I'd like to think that I could never walk away from my kids, can't say for sure because I don't have any yet. And I wouldn't consider myself a sluggish pacifist. I have a lot of passion in me..a lot of opinions (that sometimes get me in trouble), and a strong sense of what is right and wrong (i.e. riding a high horse or see above 'righteous' anger with the daddy) and sometimes I DO take on the conflict if I think it's worth it. But, I also choose to walk away from certain situations rather than deal with the conflict. Sometimes, probably most times, it saves me a lot of drama that I don't really need in my life. My mom asks me why I don't say anything, why I don't tell those people how I feel or what I think. Well Mom, it's because this is who I am..and I'm probably never going to change. And I'm ok with that.

4 comments:

  1. This post resonated with me so much! Very honest and insightful. :)

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  2. I think we need to choose or battles. Sometimes you just need to walk away if the conflict is not worth your time and energy, and often it really isn't.

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  3. I'm a lot like my dad, too. He has anxiety issues, and so do I. :(

    I think most things can be trained out of us. And when you are aware of the problem (if it is a problem), you work on it.

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  4. wow. i love this. LOVE IT. i know we have tons in common in terms of the dad situation and i love you for putting this out there. i hate that i am somewhat like what i am told my father is like, but it's just life. when i was ten years old and my dad out of the blue decided to take my brother and me out for an evening (after non contact for years prior) and when he asked me something and to my answer he said "you sound like your mom", nothing ever made me happier. even at ten years old. mom and i have our issues, but i still cherish that moment and it's still crystal clear in my memory.

    just many many thanks to you Jinny for this entry.

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