Vacation Revelations

We recently went to Florida for a family vacation with my mom and sister. My mom turned 60 and what she wanted to do was go to the beach. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time visiting my aunt and the beach was great. I didn't have a concern in the world about wearing my bikini while we were there. I didn't obsess over who might be looking at me, what they might be thinking about me. I didn't feel self-conscious at all...until I saw the pictures.

Photo-bombed by my bat arm

I'm really glad that I was able to enjoy myself in the moment. But..I'm not happy with where I let myself backslide to. If you're a new reader you might not know that a few years ago I lost 60 lbs. At my heaviest (known) weight I was 211. I've done very well at maintaining, for the most part, but I have found over the last year that the weight is creeping back on.

Near my heaviest weight

Near my lowest weight

My current weight

I've put on about 20 lbs from my lowest weight. And it's not like I didn't know it was happening. The scale doesn't lie. But I was turning a blind eye to it, putting on the back burner. Until yesterday..for the first time since I lost all the weight I couldn't wear a top because my arms were too big.

Talk about eye-opener. As I sit here, if I listen to my body, it's telling me it's not happy. I'm not comfortable, just sitting here.

So something must be done. And it will start with re-evaluating what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. I wish I could say with confidence that this will be easy...since I've done it before...but I'm not so sure that will be the case.

I define myself

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience."

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24th - 30th. I don't normally like to bring up my infertility. It's not that I want to hide it, really. Or pretend like it doesn't exist. Mother Nature makes sure I get a reminder every month. I just feel like talking about something like this all of the time gives it too much power.

My infertility is just a small part of who I am.

There was a time I let thoughts of it consume me. My infertility ran our lives for a little bit there. There were a lot of doctor visits. A lot of blood draws. A lot of tests. A lot of living by a calendar and forced intimacy. And two surgeries. One planned, in which I discovered I have Endometriosis, and one not planned, in which I had an Ectopic pregnancy.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of negative pregnancy tests. A lot of anger. And a whole lot of confusion. I was mad at God. Mad that He deprived me of my motherhood. Mad that He deprived my husband of his fatherhood. Mad that He robbed my mother of her Grandma-hood. I was confused about how our marriage was going to continue without becoming parents. I mean, what else was there other than parenthood?

But, I finally let go of all my doubt and fear and anger and started trying to figure out who I was going to be as a childless woman.

Having a very supportive spouse and family has helped. Everyone has been very understanding of my decision to stop seeking further infertility treatments. Jeremy has been a saint through everything. He has always supported me 100%, no matter what I wanted to do.

It's helped that most everyone has stopped asking why I don't have kids yet. I forgive any new people I happen to meet. It's normal for people to ask about kids when they are getting to know someone. But even they usually leave it alone after the very normal 'So do you have kids?' and I respond with 'Nope, but I have a bunch of pets'.

And speaking of pets......having pets is a very rewarding alternative to having kids. Honestly, they make us feel like a family. They are our family. We are a family. I HAVE a family.

I don't like living my life always wanting things I don't or cannot have. There really is no point and it's a waste of energy. Instead I focus on the things I do or can have.

I do have a wonderful husband who is the love of my life and very best friend. I have a beautiful love cottage filled with things that make me happy. I have pets that look at me with pure love and trust.

I can fill my time with whatever passion or hobby I feel like without feeling guilty. I can sleep in as late as I want on the weekends without feeling guilty. I can spend all day reading a good book (or two) without feeling guilty. I can spend my money on things I want without feeling guilty or worrying about paying for college. I can watch movies with sex and swearing...any time I want.

What I'm getting at is I know mommy-hood is great, but I've come to realize that not being a mommy is great too.

Yes, I am childless. But my infertility is not who I am. Me infertility is only a part of my story.

Looking out, looking in, looking up - Happy New Years

I bundled up to venture out in the backyard to snap a picture of the sky. I didn't want to do it because the sky is a never ending sea of nothing today. I wanted to capture something beautiful....something I consider beautiful. A lovely sunset of pinks, oranges, and purples. Or whispy white clouds against a backdrop of blue. But there won't be any of that today....just cold, stark white.

But as I wondered around my little back yard, with my camera pointed at the sky, I did find a little beauty in the stillness of the cold. And I couldn't help but notice how lovely the ice covered branches were against the bright white sky.

It made me think about this new year, how everything can be considered new. A true blank slate. A quiet moment to just stop, take a moment to breath and decide how you want to start this new chapter. And it also made me think of this last year. I've been telling myself 2014 has been the year of the holding pattern. Not much has changed, on the outside. But I feel like I've learned more about myself this year. I've stripped away many of my long held notions of how people should act, how I should act and my confusion about why those things didn't make me happy. Things that didn't make sense for a very long time have started snapping into place. I'm sure my friends and family are just about sick of me using the term "introvert" but I am just so excited to finally have some idea of why I have always acted the way I do...why I feel the way I feel. And the more I learn about what it means to be introverted, the more comfortable I have become with saying no, with walking away, with staying in, with telling people what I need.

I can't say that walking away from things and having no one notice hasn't hurt my feelings. I might be introverted but I still crave to be needed and wanted and important to others. I'm still dealing with my feelings of being inadequate, feelings of rejection when I'm not recognized for the things I do. Those things are on me to deal with, not the people around me.

I can say that having a better understanding of how I gather and dispense my energy makes a world of difference to my psyche. I've learned to pay attention to things and people that make me feel good, that make me happy. I'm still trying to get better at or continue to acknowledge those in my life that I love and appreciate. And I've become better at getting rid of things and people that stress me out or drain my energy.

Overall I am coming into this year peacefully hopeful. I'm not looking to dramatically overhaul my life, I don't want to make any grand resolutions or plans. Always reaching for the next thing makes me tired and wears me out. So, I resolve to find my happiness in the very moment that I'm living, I don't need any more or less than what I have right now.

I hope you find your perfect balance this year of peace, love, and hope this year.

Working on me

I often keep myself shut up tight. My sister laughs at me because she doesn't understand how I can actively choose to hide away in my house rather than going out to interact with people. It's very easy for me to retreat into myself and my home. So I have to make a pointed effort to go outside my comfort zone, to say yes to any invitation that might come my way, to remember that people won't want to get to know me if I don't attempt to get to know them.

But it's hard, y'all. Very hard. I see every invitation as a chance to put myself out there and when nothing really comes of it, I can't help but feel rejected. Which, in turn, makes it that much harder for me to say yes to the next invitation. I feel rejected a lot. Jeremy tries to tell me not to take it so personal, more than likely it doesn't have anything to do with me. But I can't seem to help it.

I am working on it, though. Or trying to. I'm trying to proactively put myself out there and talk myself through the disappointment if it's not recuperated. I'm bouncing back a little quicker. I'm not sure I'll ever be much different than how I am. This is just me, and I have to learn how to deal with that. But I am learning, every day, all the time. And I like being me..mostly..usually. lol.

2 Facts About Me

Day 30. Facts About You

1. I am an introvert. I'm still learning what that means, but some of my life long behaviors are starting to make a whole lot more sense to me.

2. I prefer shoot-em up, spy intrigue, sci-fi, suspense movies over tear-jerking, heart wrenching, touchy feely girly movies.

5 things I'd tell my younger self

Day 27. A Letter to your Younger Self

1. You've been married for nearly 15 years. So, you were right when you kept telling people that it was FINE that you were getting married at 19. You totally knew what you were doing.

2. Sorry to have to tell you this...but you are STILL at the same job. BUT, it has given you a lot of opportunity to have a solid home, to have a great health care resume (I know that sounds like such an old lady thing to say...but trust me...health care is a pretty freakin' big deal..you'll see), and to go on some great vacations.

3. Speaking of vacations, you have traveled more than you thought you would...but less than you dreamed about. Good news is, there is still time to do more traveling! Yay!

4. The dark years get better, you grow so much as a person and you get a whole lot healthier. Those bad times are going to seem like a distance memory, you just have to keep going (and you do). I can't promise everything is hunky-dory, here in the future. There are still rough times, but you will learn some great coping techniques and learn to trust yourself. It works, it really does.

5. Your life is going to be amazing. The dreariness of every day life come sometimes get you down, but honestly, you are kicking butt. Your house is super cute, you are super cute, you have super cute pets, and your husband is sssuuupppeeer cute. Win...win...win!

Z is for...Zooey

Day 26. Who'd play you in a movie

This prompt was easy! And even stayed within my A-Z theme. Lucky me.

When I have my bangs trimmed across my forehead, I do look a lot like Zooey Daschanel. Besides looking alike, I think she is adorably awkward (just like me) so she would be the perfect pick to play me in a movie.

 

 

Q is for...Questioning myself

Day 17. I'm an expert at...

I am the self-doubt queen! I know I come across like I know what the hell I'm doing....but I don't. I second guess myself all.the.time.

I give up.

Change my mind.

Convince myself I'm going to fail.

Decide that my decisions and ideas are stupid.

Thinks no one really likes me.

They're all gonna laugh at you!!!!

Whoa...

*deep breath*

If y'all could hear some of the crazy, asinine conversations I have with myself inside my head. It's a constant battle....with myself. I haven't quite figured out how to end the war, but sometimes I manage temporary peace treaties..and those are really great days.

H is for....Hey there

Day 8. Letter To Yourself in 10 Years

HHHeeeeeyyyy there,

I'm writing this to you from 10 years ago. If the Doctor would hurry up and come get me already we could be having this conversation face to face...unless that would create some world shattering paradox..in which case we would probably STILL be having this conversation face to face and the Doctor would just find some way to fix the damage.

Ok, enough of that geekery.

I'm going to assume that you are still into those sort of things. The silly, fun, nerdy, geeky things. Tell me you still have the Tardis pillow on the living room couch! You better.

For real now..enough geeking around.

By now we have celebrated our 40th birthday. I hope you did it with grace and awesomeness. I bet you did something fun! Like went to Vegas!! I'm not all that concerned about aging now and I hope you don't get concerned about it anytime in the future. I hope we are sporting some major glittery silver hairs and more laugh lines. And even though we will never ever be getting botox or anything stupid like that, I do hope that you have learned to get on some type of skin care routine..even if it's just moisturizer and sun screen. I'm already working on it, so in ten years I should have it down..right?!

Did you totally kill it as the matron of honor at the seester's wedding? Of course you did. You rocked the hell out of that taffeta dress. I'm just kidding. Megan would never make us wear taffeta...I hope.

It's hard to guess what I'll be doing in 10 years. It could be the same thing I've done for the last nearly 20 years, but something tells me that probably won't be the case. So, I hope whatever you have found fulfills you in ways that the previous job hasn't been able to do. And if not the job, then I hope you have found something else that is feeding your soul. Maybe you are still in your hometown or maybe y'all finally took the plunge and moved to Austin. If you did move away, I hope it went smoothly and I hope living some place else for the first time in your entire life is every thing you dreamt it would be...or close enough to that.

I'm not one to make a whole lot of grand plans, I'm pretty down to earth so I won't assume you have written that novel (although I do hope you have worked on it more, if for no other reason than for the fun of it).

No matter where you ended up, or what you did or didn't do, or where you did or didn't go....the only thing...the ONLY thing I hope is that you are happy.

In my bag of introvert tricks

This morning I was listening to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Show, like I do every morning, and Big Al had a quick bit where he offered a dating tip. Today's dating tip was to have a pre-determined set of topics/jokes/questions in your pocket ready to pull out to spur on conversation. I realized that even though I have not been a part of the dating scene for many, many years I have been using this trick for a couple of years now.

Let's be honest, no one likes that awkward silence of lulled conversation. And for someone like myself, it can be excruciatingly painful to sit in the silence. So, when I know I'm going to be going out amongst the masses where I might be called upon to actually socialize I prep myself with a few topics for conversation.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, I love to talk. Anyone who knows me well might be confused because I can talk a person's ear off. But I have to be really comfortable with that person or group of people to be Miss Chatty.

In general, when I am in a group of people that I might not know well or meeting with someone who is more an acquaintance, I'd much rather be the listener. And I've known other people who do not have a problem with filling up the silence (which I love, because it takes the burden off of me). But when there is a hitch in the conversation flow, I don't have to be a complete mute if I prepare myself with a few topics to discuss.

Now, in the heat of the moment (i.e. being put on the spot), my pre-determined talking points might fly right out of my head. In those instances I try to remind myself that asking the other person questions is always a good back up plan.

Do you see how much work can go into a "simple" get together or dinner?! It exhausts me just writing about it...which is why I don't do it all that often. Knowing this about myself makes me appreciate my family and friends that I am comfortable with or who gladly carry the conversation all the more.

So, introvert or not, what's in your bag of tricks for dealing with people?

I refuse to sink?

On Monday, my sister called to check on me.

"I went to your blog to see what you've been up to and there wasn't anything new."

Yeah, I know. I haven't really had the inspiration or time or energy to really sit down and blog anything lately. And even if I did have the urge to blog, what the heck would I blog about? We've been on overtime at work for three months straight. I've been going from work to the couch to bed, repeat.

My brain is mush.

My mid-section is mush (because I haven't been to the gym in months).

I feel like crap.

Tired, fat, crap.

Oh, and it's currently "I'm melting, I'm melting..what a world" degrees outside.

Honestly, I've been in a serious life rut. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch movies, I don't want to blog, or write, or take pictures. I don't want to think about what I'm wearing or do my hair. I want to sleep...and sleep some more..and never have to get out of my PJ's.

Sounds a little like depression, doesn't it? Yeah, don't worry..I don't think it's clinical. My whole life I've lived with bouts of depression. I sink and sink and sink. But I always manage to pull myself out of the tail spin...somehow.

When life hands you an anchor..

You ever have those days when NOTHING works? I mean, not a damn thing?! Today was that day. Pinned onto the end of a long, stressful week. It's not often that work that bring me to my knees. I mean, I have a bad day here and there, just like anyone. But it's been a good long while since work has made me want to cry. It was just so hard this week, y'all. SO HARD. And I have to go back tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about it.

Let's add a heaping pile of female hormones into the mix and you have yourself a recipe for a melt down of epic proportions. But I didn't melt down. I held my shit together all week long like a good little trooper..as usual. And now, I'm home alone. The silence is both comforting and grating (did I mention the hormones?).  I feel like a jumble of thoughts and feelings, which is making me a little sick to my stomach, but also utterly rung out with nothing else to give, which just makes me feel tired.

And I am tired, so tired. I've been tired for days. And I'm sad (see: Hormones), but I think that's just because I'm alone which gives me too much time to think. And I think I'll just go crawl into bed early....again....because keeping myself upright is just taking too much energy right now.

A Peek Behind the Curtain

I've been thinking a lot about a particular moment in my life. It happened several months ago but for some reason has been on my mind lately. I want to put it here, so I can preserve it. So I can come back to it to remind myself it's ok to break. Or maybe so someone else can read it and know that if they feel the same way, it's ok to be in that moment.

I don't want to go into detail about exactly what happened that set me off. It's not important now. Just know that it was a slight bump in my day and it should not have affected me the way it did. That just tells you what kind of place I was in emotionally. A bump in my day cracked me wide open.

As I walked home from work, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I walked and I cried and I prayed..out loud. If anyone had seen me they probably thought I was a crazy lady. I cried because I knew that I shouldn't be feeling the way I was feeling. I knew, in my brain, that the bump shouldn't be making me feel this way, but my heart was having none of it. I was done in. I was laid bare.

And so I prayed (out loud, remember) as I walked home. I fully and utterly admitted that I was not strong enough. I could no longer handle what life was dealing out to me alone. I begged God for strength, for solace, for peace. I asked him to help me carry the burden.

I'm not going to tell you that I felt instantly better..because I didn't. Later that evening I had a long conversation with my sister about everything that was going on with me. Maybe that's where God lead me..I don't know. But she helped me see things from a different perspective, offered advice on
how to cope with things proactively to protect my fragile ego. She helped me back up and get a hold of myself.

Anyway, I don't know how to end this entry. Maybe I just want it to be known that I don't always have it all together..even if I seem to. Or maybe YOU don't have it all together and you are trying to pretend..and it's getting to that breaking point. It's ok to go on a break..cry it out..talk to God..or yell at Him..I sure he's cool with that. Reach out to a friend..to a sibling..mother..father..anyone...to talk it out. Most of all I want to say that it's all going to be ok..I'm telling me..and I'm telling you too.

Skincare - #2014BloggerChallenge

I am going to be straight up with y'all. I don't take very good care of my skin! I mean, I want to. I think about it. Sometimes I even buy a product or three. But it always comes back to routine. I get lazy. I forget. And those products either go to waste or last me forever because I never use them on a regular basis.

However...

For Christmas my mom gifted me with a Clarisonic Mia. It's been on my 'want' list for about a year or so. One of those many things I think about, but never quite get around to buying for myself. I desperately wanted to find a way to fit the Mia into my routine. Remember, this is the important part for me and I didn't want my gift to go unused (my mom would have been very unhappy). Luckily, this facial brush is water-tight. That means I'm able to bring it into the shower with me without ruining it..or killing myself.

So, now I keep it in the shower. It stares me in the face every morning, kind of hard to forget about it that way.

And another good thing about it is that the cleaning cycle is timed. One minute...that's it! I use my normal facial cleanser, Neutrogena Naturals Purifying Facial Cleanser (which I still haven't been using on the regular), and just let it go for a minute while I focus on covering all parts of my face.

It's gentle. It hasn't made me break out. It makes my skin feel amazingly smooth.

I have combination dry/oily skin. So I will admit that fresh out of the shower my skin is a little more dry in some spots and a little overly oily in others, but that's all fixed by a slathering of Aveeno Clear Complexion Daily Moisturizer (again, needs to be more routine ANYWAY) and a super light dusting of E.L.F. Translucent Matifying Powder.

And that, my friends, is about as labor intensive as I get with my skincare.

I'm really hoping this routine sticks. My skin isn't getting any younger and I want it to look as good as it can, for as long as it can.

To sum up my weekend

Vacation

I'm on vacation this week. Not because I have anything special planned, more because I had a week that I needed to take before the end of the year (and I couldn't get Christmas week..dang it). So here I am..at home..with nothing much to do.

I've already cleaned a little. Baked some cookies. Wrapped a gift or two. I'm half way done bathing the dogs (Duke got his bath last night, Lola is on the schedule for this evening). And..well...that's it. I keep feeling like maybe I should get out of my PJ's..but I don't know what for. lol. Does it make sense to wear actual clothes when you don't have any plans to leave your house?

What do y'all do on your days off???

It's come to this



It says daily, but it will be weekly..not that it makes it any better.

* Not that I haven't been aware of this problem already.

A peek behind the curtain

Sadness is almost never anything but a form of fatigue.  ~Andre Gide

I'm tired, y'all.

Stressed.

 

Work is eating me alive. Chewing me up and spitting me out at the end of every day. I'm not use to not knowing what I'm doing. It's an awful, frustrating feeling.

 

My feelings are bruised and tender. I can't say I'm surprised, this is just what happens, but it still makes me sad. Makes me doubt myself and my worth.

 

I feel sorry for Jeremy. He deals with my crazy emotions as best he can. It's not like this is the first time I have been swallowed by emotions. I know he just wants to make it all go away, but doesn't really know how. There really isn't a way.

 

I've been reserved, broody, silent. I figure no one really wants to hear all the negative thoughts that are pinging around my head, so I've been trying to keep them to myself.

I've been crying in the shower...over a video...over something I read in the paper.

 

I don't know how to make it better.

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Where I Come From

  Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.  

When I ask myself 'where do you come from' the first thing I think of is HERE. Texans have a lot of state pride. But, for me, its a little more than that. My family is a very large and well documented Texas-German family. They came straight to Texas from Olfen, Westfalen (Germany) in 1846 to find farming land. Besides the area of Westphalia, Texas (between Waco and Austin), my family has lived in the area between San Angelo and Ballinger, TX for generations.  Both of my maternal grandparents grew up in farming families around this area. During my grandpa's military career their family moved around a lot, including Japan and Iran. When he retired from the Air Force in 1973, they moved the family back home and have lived in San Angelo ever since.

 

I was born and raised in San Angelo, Texas. It's the only home I have ever known, the only town I have ever lived in. Chances are I might not ever live anywhere else and, for the most part, I'm ok with that. Even though we are a tad remote, and that can grate on my nerves sometimes, I have deep roots here.

 

Texas is in my blood and West Texas is in my soul.

{Cite}

What makes you so special?

 

When I walked into work with my first flower delivery of the day a co-worker asked me, 'What did you do to deserve those?' and I answered back, 'I was born'.

 

When I told people I would be celebrating my birthday month, they asked 'How come you get a whole month? What makes you so special?' Nothing! Nothing makes me SO special. I'm as special as the next person. But I decided to take the time to recognize, for this month at least,

that I'm pretty awesome.

 

Someone told me 'I have a hard enough time getting anyone to celebrate my actual birthday'. Well, that is just sad. Instead of relying on other people to make my birthday great, I focused on celebrating it myself. Treating myself to a few splurges, allowing myself to indulge. Everyone else sort of just caught on and helped me make my birthday month super special.

 

Especially my mom! She gave me four birthday cards. lol. She sent me flowers at work. AND she had a gift card waiting for me at the hair salon yesterday. She outdid herself, surprised me and made my birthday month one of the best ever.

 

So...I'm giving you permission to claim your OWN birthday month. Treat YOURSELF to a massage, or nice mani/pedi. Go ahead and buy YOURSELF those shoes you've been thinking about. Rent those chick flicks that you keep putting off, read that book that's been sitting in your to-read-pile for months. Eat the cupcake! During your birthday month, you deserve it..because you are pretty awesome too.