The red headed man with a witch for a wife

As we've been watching the Outlander series on Starz, Jeremy has found himself connected with the character of Murtagh. He is no nonsense, extremely loyal, has a robust disdain for all things froofy, and he likes to settle minor disagreements with a good punch in the face. Jeremy says, 'If only all disagreements can be settled that way. One punch and done.'

So, I updated my Facebook status with "Jeremy's spirit animal" and shared this photo:

And shortly after I received this text from him:

{insert a bunch of heart-eye emojis here} *swoon*

 Someone has been memorizing the '10 tips for husbands if your wife is obsessed with Outlander'. 

Tonight is the night

So...I heard the State of the Union speech was on last night. I mean, I didn't really hear anything about what the President actually said. But I do know that the First Lady wore a lovely Marigold dress (please see my talking point about always dressing cute in my previous post). #priorities #wehavethem

But I don't want to talk politics tonight. Tonight I want to talk about the Powerball. Have you bought your ticket?

1.5 bbbiiiilllllllliiiiooonnnn dollars.

According to ABC News, "If you win the powerball tonight, you will be richer than Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, and Madonna". That's a lot of pressure, yo.

Where would I even begin?

Well, first I'd go swimming in it.

Then I'd buy a private island with it, so I can swim in actual water.

Excuse me, you on the elephant, can you please back away from my island? Kthnksbie

Can pugs swim?

Ok. Good.

And there would be this.

And, ok, some of this (because I'm not totally selfish).

Get ready, people! I am gonna' be fabulous.

The hottest damn president this country has ever seen

This presidential race is getting a little ridiculous. Have you seen the Republican candidate line-up? They have their own baseball team standing up there on stage. And the quality of some of those candidates has me crying and laughing both at the same time.

The sheer craziness of it all got me thinking....if Donald Trump can join this circus...why can't I?

SO...I'm un-officially officially announcing that I will be running for President of the United States in 2016. I'll more than likely run on the Democratic side, but only because the line ups of the parties look like a very sad game of Red Rover. I just want to help even things out.

I know I'm late to the game, but I promise I have about as much to offer as Mr. Trump...so please hear me out.

If I'm elected as President I promise there will be Pugs in the white house.

As your President, I promise to always be dressed cute. I know it did WONDERS for First Lady Michelle Obama to always have your outfit on fleek.

As to gun control, I would make everyone throw all the guns into the ocean. Unless they are pink and glittery. Those can stay.

As President, I would start the tradition of Presidential jewels. Because everyone needs a tiara.

Once elected President, I would decree that every presidential cabinet meeting would have mandatory margaritas.

As President of the United Statues, I would add a 'We are all acting like five year olds' clause to the Affordable Health care Act that would state that "boo-boo kisses" are an acceptable form of treatment by all doctors and or nurses, and will be free under the AHA.

As President, I would offer to sit in the Rose Garden at the first of every month and yell 'OFF WITH THEIR HEADS' at tourists. But just for funsies.

If I am elected President, I would make the salad knife the official kitchen gadget of the nation.

As President, I would make bang trims free for everyone, no matter where you are in this country. Everyone should have access to affordable hair maintenance.

As to immigration, I say let them all in. The more the merrier.

As President, I would outlaw war. Instead, any opposing parties will be required to hug it out.

Considering what other candidates are promising, I think I have a pretty strong platform. And I am no politician. I am of the people and FOR the people...unless you don't like pink and then I'm voting you off the island.

 

VOTE FOR ME IN 2016!

If a rich asshole can do it, a poor asshole can do it too!

 

That time I almost murdered my husband

Every Wednesday night, my husband goes over to his friends house to jam. And every Wednesday night my husband does not get home until very early in the morning. This is nothing new. This has been going on for years.

And I've pretty much become accustom to spending the evening and going to bed by myself. It hasn't really bothered me....until recently. I don't know what exactly has changed. I'm thinking its because Duke, my guard dog, is getting older and can't really hear anything anymore. I know he wouldn't be able to hear anyone sneaking into the house. Sometimes, when we get home from work we can walk right up on him sleeping before he wakes up. So, my paranoia has been flaring up.

Last Wednesday night, I woke up thinking I had heard my husbands voice. I sit up slightly in bed, waiting to hear or see him coming down the hallway. But it's quiet in the house. I look at the floor, Duke is sound asleep. I start thinking maybe I didn't hear him...maybe I was dreaming it..and so I lay back down. I might have even dozed back off but then I wake up to a THUMP in the living room.

My heart starts racing. I still don't hear my husbands voice and he hasn't come down the hallway....but someone is in my house! I quickly scramble out of bed and noisily wrench open the night stand drawer on my husbands side, I want whoever is in my house to hear me reaching for something (hopefully they think its a big ass gun). I know he keeps a few knives and things in there. I grab the first thing I see, a box cutter, and move out into the hallway.

By this time, my husband has heard me in the bedroom...as he puts it he heard panic in the bedroom...and he pops around the corner of the living room, 'Babe? It's just me'.

I clutch my heart with free hand, 'You scared the SHIT out of me!'

He came down the hallway and hugged me and can see the night stand drawer open. 'Uh, what were you looking for in there?'

'A knife,' I say into his chest. He laughs.

After he finished hauling all his gear into the house, which was the thump I heard, he crawls into bed. I was facing away from him but I started laughing and so does he. He says into the dark, 'I'm glad I don't keep a gun in that drawer'.

The next day, as I was home after work waiting for him to get home, my cell phone rings. It's my husband.

Me: Hey Babe.

Him: I just wanted to let you know I am in the driveway and about to enter the house...please do not try to murder me.

All the cool kids are doing it

New years always means RESOLUTIONS! You know the age old typical resolutions. This is THE year we are going to get lean and clean up our diet..right?! The TV is overflowing with ads for diet plans and exercise DVD's and equipment. According to Jillian Michaels you can just WALK AWAY the pounds..its so revolutionary! The greatest thing since sliced bread....which none of us are allowed to eat anymore...right?!



Except, March rolls around. And the newness has been brutally worn off by reality and daily life. Changing long held habits is hard. It's not fun...no, it's not. It really, really sssuuuccckkkss. It takes up a lot of time and it costs a lot of money. Especially if you want to go all in on a gym membership/diet plan/personal trainer. You have to pay all kind of fees, buy a ton more work out clothes (or do laundry every night), buy all new organic, locally grown, fresh foods and cooking supplies. Have you seen how much that crap costs?!

So, I've pretty much given up even making new year resolutions. But that doesn't mean that a sister can't try and set teeny tiny goals..that don't take a new wardrobe or gym membership to accomplish. This year I'm going to try and drink more water. I just need to do it, it's good for me and I can do it while sitting down. I'm going to try and make better food choices. I started tracking my food on myfitnesspal again. I'm going to try really hard not to let the calorie goal be a hard line in the sand for me. It's really ok if I go over it, I just want to be more mindful of what I'm eating on a daily basis.

Using a lettuce leaf rather than a tortilla is a smart move.

Making sweet potato, broccoli, and chicken for dinner is a good choice.

All I really want to do is stay hydrated, not snack too much, find fun and inexpensive ways to eat a little better, and get off my butt and workout a little more (not every day...don't be crazy). Here's to 2015 and small and manageable life changes.

The Beard Diaries: Day One

 



**Guest Post by my rock star husband**

A tragedy has befallen me this evening. Due to a most significant miscalculation with my new hair trimmer, I have been robbed of my most precious beard.

The soft, supple locks that once adorned my face are but a pile of clippings rimming the bathroom sink. And as I watch them slowly flow down the drain, like ashes in the wind, my mind drifts back to happier days when beer would trickle down the whiskers that lined my mouth, or combing my fingers through the gentle curls around my jaw.

As I gaze upon myself in the mirror, my cheeks naked and exposed to the elements, I find myself spiraling into a depression so deep I fear I may never escape its depths. Tonight I will shut myself in and hide my shame from the bearded world.

3 Embarrassing Moments

Day 29. Most Embarrassing Moment

1. I overflowed a friends toilet once {too much TP}. I was pretty young..and I panicked. Did I think to look under the sink for a plunger? Heck to the no. Do you think I fessed up? HHHeeecckkk no.

2. I walked into a utility box at the parking lot of my work. I know what you're thinking...put the cell phone away, right? This was pre-cell phone and/or social media. I just had a really bad habit of walking with my head down.

3. That one time I couldn't get the keys out of the ignition.

Sunday Funday

No, Mom, I will not smile.

 

Ha ha, just kidding!

To all menfolk of the world

It's that time of year again...the dreaded V-day. Men all over HATE thinking about or planning for Valentine's day. I know romantic gestures do not come natural to a lot of y'all. And I also know that its easy to be taken in by certain advertisements running right now. Jewelry stores? Check. Floral shops? Check. Everyone is looking to get a piece of the clue-less male action.

But for the love of all that is sexy and sweet do NOT buy your lady a life-sized teddy bear. Do not do it. I don't care how much the commercial tells you it's a good idea.

 

Do you see how that poor woman is gripping the counter behind her? You are freaking her out right now, Creepy McCreepier.

They don't show her face because she is crying. And not happy tears.

 



What on earth is a grown ass woman suppose to do with a life sized bear anyways?





 

A Woman's Purse..inspired by the holidays

On the first trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
My cell phone..grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the second trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Two flash drives, my cell phone..grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the third trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone..grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the forth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone..grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the fifth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS..four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the sixth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone..grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the seventh trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the eighth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Eight notepads, seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the ninth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Nine dollar bills, eight notepads, seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the tenth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Ten pens and pencils,  nine dollar bills, eight notepads, seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the eleventh trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Eleven ponytail holders, ten pens and pencils, nine dollar bills, eight notepads, seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...grumbling that he'll never go again.

On the twelfth trip to my purse my husband brought to me...
Twelve tubes of lip gloss, eleven ponytail holders, ten pens and pencils, nine dollar bills, eight notepads, seven packs of gum, six tide-to-go wipes, FIVE STRAY MIDOL PILLS, four pair of sunglasses, three travel sized hand lotions, two flash drives, my cell phone...

And swearing that he will NEVER GO AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Welcome to football season

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Friday night at dinner, talking about the Thursday night football game:

Me: That guy on the Ravens team was not having a good night. I think his name was Blake.

Jeremy, scrunching his forehead: Blake?

Me: Yeah..I think. He's a big white guy that was not having a very good night. He dropped the ball. It was right there in his hands and he dropped it. He was really mad at himself.

Jeremy: Probably a tight end..{he thinks for a second}..you mean Clark.

Me: Yeah, Clark! I knew it was something short. Look at me..almost knowing what I was talking about.

Game of Thrones: They All Die

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Text conversation with my seester after she finished Game of Thrones; Season 3:


Seester: Fucking hate this show....

Me: ha ha..I told you the author makes it hard to get attached to anyone.

Seester: sigh

Dirty Little Secret

I want to talk about something.

It's kinda embarrassing.

I know other people out there must have this same problem.

 

*deep breath*

 

My girl dog humps her toy.

I'm talking all out (non existent) balls to the wall.

She doesn't hump people...or other animals.

Just her "baby". I call it her baby.

 

When she was a puppy, still living at my in-laws house my Mother-in-law would walk around the house in these bull dog slippers. The three little puppies would follow her all around and it was precious. When we brought Lola home with us, my Mother-in-law let us bring one of her slippers home with us. As Lola got older this is what happened with her slipper:

 



  Eventually we got rid of the slipper. And the humping stopped.   Until... I brought home this toy.  

  She humps this thing every.single.night. Until she exhausts herself. When we have company, I have to hide it in the closet just to make sure she doesn't go to town right in the middle of the living room while we are talking about the weather.   I've never seen any other girl dog act like this. It's just...so...LOLA. lol.

Smelly Cheese Is So Romantic

Me: I found pictures from our first wedding anniversary (that would be 2001, if you want to do the math). There was a picture you took of me and...I am MUCH cuter now than I was back then..and I was YOUNG!!

Him: Well, babe, maybe you are like fine wine.

Me: I get better with age?!

Him: Yeah, or like really smelly cheese.

Hand over the keys, Grandma!

Last month, when it was time for our Vancouver vacation, we drove to Dallas on Thursday night even though our flight out wasn't until Friday evening. We just wanted to make sure we didn't run into any travel snags...traffic, wrecks, the normal chaos that is the metroplex...you know, the usual stuff.

Friday morning I decided I would hop in my sisters car and run right across the street to grab some bagels for breakfast. I would have driven my own vehicle but the little clicker to get back into her apartment complex was in her car, so decision made. My sister bought a brand new Honda Fit almost two years ago, that thing is pretty zippy compared to my Explorer that was new in 2004. And I zipped right on over to Einstein Bagels, zipped right into a parking spot and....couldn't get the keys out of the ignition.

I turned the key this way and that way. I pushed the key in while twisting this way and that way. Nothing.

I tried re-adjusting the wheels, sometimes that helps. Nothing.

What was I going to do? I couldn't just run in real fast and leave the keys in the ignition. That might fly here at home, but not up there..I don't care how nice my sister's neighborhood is. But I knew....KNEW....that if I drove back over to my sister's apartment (its within walking distance..and I was thinking that would have been a better decision at this point) that I would park and that stupid key would come right out of the ignition.

So I sat there for a minute to think. I CAN FIGURE THIS OUT! It's a new car. There must be some new fangled way to get the key out of the ignition. What do I have to do? Hum a little tune, touch my nose with my pinky, tilt my head slightly to the left, and twist the key five degrees to the right?  I open the glove box and pull out the owners manual. That's right, I'm a woman..I read directions if I can't figure something out. I flipped through the pages and scanned for the 'How to use your car key for dummies' section. And as I read the book that was sitting in my lap I happened to glance over and notice that the car was not in park.

I had been sitting with the car in reverse for the last five minutes.

The manual does say the car must be in park to remove the key from the ignition. Who knew?

It's story time!

I've had my fair share of drinks since I've been of legal {and not so legal} drinking age. I've been tipsy and buzzed, I've been drunk and unable to remember how I got from point A to point B. I've had shots and mixed drinks {no beer..beer is gross}.

But, I have never been sick from drinking. I've never spent the night on the bathroom floor swearing that I would never drink again. I've never worshipped the porcelain God.

Until...

The Blue Goose in Lewisville, Tx.

I was up that way visiting my bestie for the weekend. She brought me to the Blue Goose to sit at the bar and have some dinner and drinks. I love me some margaritas so that's what we were drinking. And my friend told me that you had to tell the bartender to make a 'nice' margarita or they would knock you over.

Now, my BFF is tall and skinny..and I thought for sure she was JUST a light weight. I didn't listen. I did not HEED my friends warnings. And I told the bartender, Mike G, to give me his best shot. And he did. And I sucked those babies down with alarming speed. My friend, who was nursing her drinks just watched me with wide eyes.

By the end of the evening I was feeling....not so good. And my friend (and some other friends that had joined us by this time) wanted to go to another bar. I knew I wouldn't make it so my friend drove me back to her place and tucked me into her daughters bed and went back out (with my complete and total blessing).

As I laid there, in the darkness, I couldn't see anything but I could feel that the room was spinning. How is that even happening, I thought to myself. The spinning didn't stop no matter how tightly I closed my eyes (not that it mattered in the pitch black room)..it just got worse until I was so dizzy that I was going to be sick.

And I was sick. Thankfully not in the room. And thankfully only once. That seemed to cure the dizzies and I was able to go back to bed.

When my friend got back she popped in to check on me. From the darkness of her daughters room I moaned...'I threw up'.  I think she might have laughed at me. But I can't blame her..she TRIED to warn me.

Linking up for Texas Tuesday with J and Amanda.

Day Twelve: Fork

What was the prompt again?

March Photo-a-day