By the skin o' my teeth

"If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist’s office would be full of luminous ideas." ~ Mason Cooley

How do I explain my dislike for the dentist? I've been jaded. When I was younger I went to a very aggressive dentist. He pulled out most of my baby teeth because they weren't falling out fast enough. In the fourth grade he put me in a set of partial braces. I endured skin abrasions and many, many appointments to tighten the braces over four years. Oh, and I had head-gear, which I only wore at night, to fix my overbite problem. After four years, I was in the 8th grade, he informed me that he wanted to put me in a FULL SET of braces. I told him he was crazy and to take all that mess off my teeth. So he did, and then told me I would have to wear a retainer for the rest of my life. As long as I cared what my teeth looked like, that's exactly what he said. Well, I think he was full of crap. I haven't worn a retainer in years and my teeth are fine. Stupid dentist. The last dentist I went to told me that my teeth were beautiful, lined up great, enamel looking good, I even have my wisdom teeth in and didn't have to get them pulled (yet...eek!).

My poor husband has weak enamel. Those sodas he drinks are bad, very bad, for his teeth. He has been trying very hard to step up his chopper care. Special toothpaste and two different kinds of mouth wash. I think it's helped, but not in time to save two of his teeth that have cracked. So, the dentist needs to put crowns..er, caps?..well, whatever they are..on those two teeth. We still haven't made the appointment for that. We're working on it. Oh, and he had all four of his wisdom teeth yanked out all at once. It was not fun.

The picture above is my nephew, Mack. When his father took him to the dentist and he was informed that he would be getting silver caps he was so excited. He says, 'You mean I'm gonna' have a grill?' He's five! Where does he come up with this stuff? He pulled through his appointment with flying colors. No pain and no fear. Hopefully he won't end up as jaded as I am.

The things I do for beauty

“I think we all long for glamour.” ~ Linda Lee

I know this is only a shadow of what the Sunday Scribbling is suppose to be, but it's all I could think of while being this tired.

I made a run to the grocery store today to buy some NEW makeup (there's my SS tie in). I needed some new foundation as I was getting a little low on the old stuff. My powdered foundation compact had been cracked long ago and I was getting mere drops out of the liquid foundation bottle.

I quickly grabbed the new foundation and then moved into browse mode. There is just so much...stuff. Stuff for wrinkles, stuff for blemishes, stuff for the circles under your eyes, stuff to plump your lips, stuff to make you shine, glitter, or glow. It's obvious that it is important for your makeup to be blendable, super shiny, and long lasting. And don't get me started on the accessories to the makeup. The stuff you need to buff, file, scrub, or curl.

In addition to the new foundation I ended up with two new shades of lip gloss. Even with so much to choose from the shopping was the easy part. I got in the express lane with my four items and waited my turn. Now I had a plan of purchase...use up the rest of a gift card and pay the rest in case. Simple..right? Only, when I told him how much was left on the gift card and swiped it..it didn't take. So we tried a lesser amount...still nothing. One more time, with even less...and finally it took. After that I realize the amount that was left was more than the cash that I had, which meant I had to use my debit card. This wouldn't be a problem except I don't have my pin number memorized. I swiped the card and took my best stab at remembering my pin number....denied. A nice little line had collected behind me at this point. One more try, and I just ran it as a credit, and my bill was paid.

I grabbed my bag, mumbled an apology, and scuttled out of there. Talk about embarrassing. But, after I got home and used my new stuff..and my husband told me how pretty I looked it was ALL worth it.

Now and Then

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

This year, I have come to realize that...

~ my butt is probably never going to get any smaller. The key now is to make sure it doesn't get any bigger.

~ when I talk I should probably shut up and just listen.

~ if I love someone I should make more of an effort to show them how much I love them.

~ I need to lose more weight, help around the house more, pay more attention to my husband and my dogs, save more money, be a better friend.

~ I lost a little part of me.

~ I hate it when I'm lazy and sit in front of this computer all day.

~ if I'm drunk...it's purely by accident.

~ marriage is the purest form of freedom for some and a prison for others.

~ work brings home the bacon, no matter how much I dislike it.

~ I will always be ackward and nerdy.

~ I love being silly and laughing until I cry.

~ the last time I cried was because of a build up of frustration, sadness, and PMS.

~ my cell phone is just not that important.

~ when I wake up in the morning it is really, really hard to leave the bed with my husband still in it.

~ babies are a blessing that I have not been given.

~ I really want to have less debt, a job I like, and a family.

~ working out is a necessary evil.

~ my friends are moving on and I have to be ok with that.

~ I am so grateful for my nearly charmed life.

#79 - Powerful

The substance of the winds is too thin for human eyes,
their written language is too difficult for human minds,
and their spoken language mostly too faint for the ears.
- John Muir


When I was little I use to stand out in my drive-way and pretend I was the Goddess of the wind. I imagined that I could will the wind to blow this way or that, stronger, faster, or stop all together. I would command it to do whatever I wished and in my mind the wind listened to me.

Now that I'm older those notions of being the Goddess of the wind are tucked away with all my other childhood memories. But when I walk home from work and the wind ruffles my hair and sends the leaves skittering across the street...I still smile.

The Key

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom."

Today I spoke with my father for the first time in over ten years.

As I punched in the numbers I was more nervous than I thought I would be. Last minute thoughts of 'what are we even going to talk about' ran through my head. I very nearly just hung up. But then the phone picked up on the other end and I heard his voice.

'What do I say?!', I thought quickly.

Hello, Dad! This is your daughter. Remember me?

No, no...that won't do.

I kept it simple with 'Hello, this is Jinny. How are you?'

We talked for over an hour, inching close to talking about our past only once and briefly at that. We both kept it polite and light...'How's the job going' and 'What do you think about this weather' sort of thing. He made me laugh and he laughed too.

Once I got off the phone I realized that I didn't get my Father back, it might be too late for that, but I might have a new friend.

The Gift

"Pregnancy is a kind of miracle. Especially so in that it proves that a man and woman can conspire to force God to create a new soul." ~Robert Anton Wilson

I was secretly terrified when my husband and I made the decision to start trying for a baby back in 2001. We had been married for a year by then but we were both still so young, only 20 and 22. We were still living in our one bedroom apartment at the time. I don't know what we would have done if we had actually gotten pregnant right away.

But, we didn't get pregnant right away. Years went by and no baby. I went to the doctor..several doctors. I was put on fertility medicine for a time, with no results. If I had a dollar for every pregnancy test I took, I'd have a small fortune. I bought an ovulation kit, I read books, I tracked my tempature, I laid still for 15 minutes after intimate moments. I tried everything! The doctor seemed a little stumped too. I had blood drawn several times and all sorts of other tests run. Still no baby. In January 2006 I had an optional surgery suggested by my doctor. It was strictly exploratory. The doctor found that I have Endometriosis, just a slight case, but that could be enough to cause me problems becoming pregnant. The next step after the surgery was in-vetro, which my insurance didn't cover at all. Feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed I left the doctors office and didn't go back until this summer. I put away my ovulation kit and stopped tracking anything.

And then, in July, I took a pregnancy test because I was a week late. And for the first time EVER I saw two pink lines. My husband held me in his arms while I cried with joy. Finally, finally, we would be a family. For one weekend I was the happiest I have ever been, glowing with the knowledge that I would be giving my husband a child..that I would be a mother.

The next week I began to have severe pains. At 8:00 in the morning my husband rushed me to see my doctor and by 9:00 I was in a hospital bed. I had surgery that same day to have the pregnancy terminated. It turned out to be a tubal pregnancy, potentially life threatening to me, and had to be removed along with my right fallopian tube. Just as quickly as the gift was given to me, it was taken away.

I try to find comfort in the fact that I WAS pregnant, I CAN get pregnant..which was something I had seriously started to doubt. But, I can't deny that I still have bad days that I cry, that I get angry, that I give up hope. On those days I hug my husband a little tighter, I cuddle my dogs a little longer, and I pray that I get another opportunity to become a mother.

#76 - Writing

"There are thousands of thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up the pen and writes." ~William Makepeace Thackeray

It took me a minute to decide what I might write for this prompt. What do you write about writing? The idea quickly came to me. Back in 1996, during my junior year of high school I took a 'creative writing' class. I have all the stories I wrote saved in my memory trunk, with grades and teacher comments in red ink and everything. So, I flipped through them and picked one that I would like to share with ya'll now.

October 9, 1996

My Principal, Mr. Doolittle

Vivian squirmed in her seat. The principal, Mr. Doolittle, had always made her uncomfortable. It was just something about him that gave her the creeps. The door opened and Mr. Doolittle stepped out. He was a tall man with a bald head. It seemed as if he wore that same brown suit every day. He turned to her with that fake smile and motioned to her. 'Come in. Come in, Vivian. Have a seat,' he said in a cheery voice. She walked into his office and sat down in the brown leather chair in front of his big brown desk. 'Am I in trouble?', Vivian asked in a small voice. Mr. Doolittle broke into laughter as he sat down behind his desk. 'No, no. I just have some things to discuss with you'. He fiddled with some papers on his desk but abrubtly stopped. The smile on his face vanished and his eyes began to glow green. In a deep voice that was not his own Mr. Doolittle began to speak, 'We have been watching you for a while now, Vivian. And have come to the conclusion that you will make the perfect speciman. You are healthy, smart, and pretty too'. Vivian's face twisted in horror. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out. Mr. Doolittle, or who ever it was, got up from the chair and began to come towards Vivian. She got up and knocked the chair backwards. Tears streaming down her cheeks she tried to open the door. It wouldn't open. A wicked laugh came from Mr. Doolittle as he finally reached her. She huddled on the floor and finally let out a blood curdling scream.

She woke up screaming and jolted out of the bed. Her breathing was rapped and sweat poured from her skin. 'Only a dream. Only a dream', she thought as she tried to calm herself down. Her room was dark and comforting. When her breathing slowed down she got up to go get a drink of water. She got out of bed and walked across the blue colored carpet. She turned the knob and opened the door. Mr. Doolittle stood on the other side. When he noticed she was there that fake smile returned to his face. 'Ah, good. Your awake. Now the testing can begin'.

#75 - The End

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends."

My pastor likes to say that too many couples think that the wedding is the grand finale to their relationship when in fact it is just the very beginning to a marriage. The wedding is the easy part of a marriage. So many women say that they have pictured their weddings since they were little girls. Well, what about the marriages that come afterwards? They get married and then say 'Ok, now what?'

My husband and I have been together for ten years this month. Our marriage is not up to ten years, but our relationship is. Although I can hardly remember my life without my husband it doesn't seem like it's been ten years. All my lady friends remind me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband, but I don't need reminding. Every morning when I wake up and he is there to kiss me I know how lucky I am.

I was sixteen when he and I started dating, a few months later we were engaged. We moved in together when I was eighteen. And I was married when I was nineteen. People thought we were crazy to marry so young, but I never doubted that he was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now that we are both at the end of our twenties, by no means old but moving nicely into middle age, I can look back and smile and be thankful that I spent my young adulthood with him.

I'm also looking forward to the future with him. Looking forward to a comfortable marriage that is always growing and changing and evolving. Looking forward to a warm friendship and the knowledge that I will always have a soft place to fall. Looking forward to breathless bouts of laughter, content moments of silence, heated arguments, and the love-making that comes after.

Relationships are made up of endings and beginnings, but true love, that is the one constant. I haven't reached my happy ending...no, this is just the beginning.

#74 - "I get that sinking feeling.."

Most of the time the first thoughts that come to mind with a prompt of 'I get that sinking feeling..' are negative. Sinking feelings aren't usually due to happy, good things. No, we get sinking feelings when we hear the phone ring late at night, or when you get that piece of mail from the bank, or when the doctor gives you that look. I have plenty of situations in my own life that could certainly be applied to those types of situations. But, I'm setting aside all the negative for today..I can always pick it back up tomorrow.

Instead, I want to think of the good things that can come from 'I get that sinking feeling'. I might stray off the main path slightly but I think the general idea will still be there.

1. Sinking into my husbands arms. This is one of the best sinking feelings I can come up with. It still amazes me, after 10 years together, that all my troubles can seem less important or urgent when he wraps his arms around me. We can stand there in an embrace, saying nothing, for several minutes and some how it is just what I needed to feel better.

2. Sinking into bed and/or sleep. Getting into bed is one of my favorites times of the day. I often crawl into bed an hour or two before I actually go to sleep. I love being in my bed, all cozy under the blankets with my pack of pets snuggling up to me. Sometimes this is when my husband and I get the goofiest. We will tease each other about staying on our own sides of the bed. Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard I cry just by being there next to me in bed and being silly. And when we finally turn all the lights off and I hear him drift off into sleep and I can hear one of my cats purring contently it is the most wonderful part of my day.

3. Sinking into a good book. I can loose hours when reading a good book. Whole days will disappear while I sink into the world of whatever book I'm reading. I can devour books in a matter of one evening. My husband is always amazed at this. But, there is something to be said about a good story that pulls you in. There are times when I think about about a story and I will have a hard time remembering if it was a book I read or a movie I saw. The images and characters in a book can become so real to me that I can see them in my head and the book can play out like a movie in my mind's eye.

4. Sinking your teeth into good food. They don't call it 'comfort food' for nothing. I know it is a bit of a cliche to mention how women and chocolate go together, but for some of us it is so true. Something about a favorite food just helps make a bad day a little better. When a girlfriend is upset I go and get their favorite ice cream. It is comforting to sometimes just be in the kitchen making food, baking cookies, frying chicken. When you sink your teeth into that favorite food and your eyes roll back into your head...there is something powerful in that.

5. Sinking into your imagination. There is no bad situation that you can escape..if only momentarily..by using your imagination. I imagine myself in my dream job..or at least in a different job than I am in. I imagine my next home..how I will decorate and arrange the furniture. Years ago I use to fall asleep at night while imagining my wedding. I imagine the family that we will someday have..what our kids might look like. I can imagine and day dream all sorts of things..and isn't it always nice when those things happen to come true.

Decisions

`Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly.. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.
`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
`--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'
—Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

If you were to ask my husband what one thing he dislikes about himself, he would tell you it's his indecision. Sometimes he can't decide if he should read a book or practice his guitar, or maybe work out in the yard, or watch a movie. Those options seem unimportant, and they are really, because it truelly doesn't matter which he picks, but the fact that he CANNOT pick makes him very mad indeed.

Decision is like standing at the fork in the road and not knowing, or maybe only slightly knowing, where either of the new roads go to. Which do you pick? Which will be easiest? Which will be the quickest? A lot of people have a hard time making decisions. What if you make the wrong one? Taking a step down a path when you have a choice is always daunting. Once you start you must COMMIT...and that is something else people seem to have trouble with.

I pestered my husband for months and months for a new sofa. When he finally relented and took me shopping we went to several different furniture stores and compared prices and fashions. We took our ideas home with us and settled on something we liked. I was excited to be getting new living room furniture, because of course it had grown from just the sofa to a new loveseat and coffee table as well. But, as we were driving down the road one day, my husband says to me 'Ok, are you ready to go and get our new furniture today?'. I totally balked. I was suddenly suffocated with the idea of being strapped with that new debt. I told him I wasn't ready and he was totally confused. As much as I wanted, and still do want, new furniture I wasn't ready to make that decision. I wasn't really to step out on that path. So, we still have the same living room furniture. And I learned a valuable lesson. Don't pester your husband to death if you aren't ready to buy. I'm glad he has forgiven me and my wishy-washy ways.