Breathing. Watching. Waiting.

I bet y'all thought I had won the lottery and ran away to start my life of luxury.

Sadly, no.

Far from it, in fact. I've been very busy living my numbingly normal, overly responsible, slightly boring life.

I feel a twinge of guilt for feeling any resentment towards my life. When I really stop to think about it, I'm very lucky. We are doing well for ourselves, all things considered. Of course, I'm always striving to put us in a better position. Always telling myself I don't need to buy that, I should save the money instead. Always prioritizing the next household project or bill to be paid off.

But I'm starting to think that line of thinking is a fallacy. Why must we always be striving for the next level of security? Is there even such a thing as complete security and safety? And if so, do we really truly want it? Because what is the cost of that kind of life?

Deadly monotony.

I feel stuck in a labyrinth of my own making, where the walls all look exactly the same and there is never ever a curve in the road. And I run, and I run, trying to get to the end. But there is no end. There is just more of the same exact thing. It stretches on, forever.

And so I am tired. Tired of running to nowhere. Tired of the same scenery. Tired of dealing with the same issues. Tired of having the same concerns. I am just tired of always trying so hard...just to be in the same spot the next day.

OOhhh, please forgive me for being so dramatic. This really isn't normal for me. But it's what I've been feeling lately. It's probably hormonally induced (please note, I can blame my mood on PMS...you can not).

 

J is for...Jealousy

Day 10. I never thought blogging would...

When I started keeping an online journal (that's what we called it before blogging was even a word) I never in a million years thought it would grow into such a huge social media outlet. Of course, when I started online journaling "social media" wasn't a thing either, so...

I never thought that I would find myself so envious of other woman' success with something I enjoy doing. That's right...I was (and am still, sometimes) jealous of other people's blogging success. I can be absolutely green that other's are getting to journal their every day lives...for a living...for money. That's what they do, that is their job.

And my job..well, let's just say I have to put pants on every day and deal with people.

So, yeah, jealous.

But, if I'm honest with myself, the reason why I could never be a professional blogger is because my life isn't interesting enough. What on earth would anyone pay me to write about? How our biggest concern is keeping ourselves stocked with kitty insulin? Or how I have spent five nights in a row with my butt planted on the couch watching my DVR'ed shows? Or how I'm feeling depressed...again. Riveting..I tell ya.

Which is why it will always be a fun little hobby and nothing more. 

E is for....Enjoy the little things

5. Your Fall Bucket List

Prompts like these make it a little more difficult to stick to my ABC theme. How do you make a list when you are trying to keep it within the requirements of one letter...and a vowel, at that?!

In West Texas we don't exactly have four full seasons. We are on the edge of a dessert, so the "fall" and "spring" seasons you imagine in your minds don't really happen here. What we have is a lot of summer, a little of winter, and a smidge of fall and spring.

Honestly, this time of year isn't my favorite. It's actually really difficult for me. Blame it on SAD, it's probably the easiest explanation (although I'm not 100% sure that's what it is). But I'm trying to manage it this season, with positivity and gentleness.

So the only thing on my Fall bucket list is to enjoy the little things. Actively seek pleasure in what and who is around me. Take a moment to appreciate the crisp weather (we don't have it for long). Indulge in a cinnamon scented witches broom. Bake something, just because. Be ok with not decorating, if I don't feel like it...but enjoy the other homes that do (there is one house we passed yesterday that is decked out for Halloween..I think I counted at least three huge inflatables in the yard). Allowing myself to snuggle on the couch with a blanket, in my PJ's and fuzzy socks, with a book or a dog or cat..or all three at once (it's been known to happen in this house).

Basically, I just want to be happy. I don't want to let myself get sucked into the black hole that seems to consume me every year around this time. So, I'm going to sniff all the cinnamon things and drink all the pumpkin spice things, I'm going to wrap myself in a cocoon of fleece blankets and eat mini-chocolates. I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, I'm going to turn my face to the sun,

I refuse to sink?

On Monday, my sister called to check on me.

"I went to your blog to see what you've been up to and there wasn't anything new."

Yeah, I know. I haven't really had the inspiration or time or energy to really sit down and blog anything lately. And even if I did have the urge to blog, what the heck would I blog about? We've been on overtime at work for three months straight. I've been going from work to the couch to bed, repeat.

My brain is mush.

My mid-section is mush (because I haven't been to the gym in months).

I feel like crap.

Tired, fat, crap.

Oh, and it's currently "I'm melting, I'm melting..what a world" degrees outside.

Honestly, I've been in a serious life rut. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch movies, I don't want to blog, or write, or take pictures. I don't want to think about what I'm wearing or do my hair. I want to sleep...and sleep some more..and never have to get out of my PJ's.

Sounds a little like depression, doesn't it? Yeah, don't worry..I don't think it's clinical. My whole life I've lived with bouts of depression. I sink and sink and sink. But I always manage to pull myself out of the tail spin...somehow.

When life hands you an anchor..

You ever have those days when NOTHING works? I mean, not a damn thing?! Today was that day. Pinned onto the end of a long, stressful week. It's not often that work that bring me to my knees. I mean, I have a bad day here and there, just like anyone. But it's been a good long while since work has made me want to cry. It was just so hard this week, y'all. SO HARD. And I have to go back tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about it.

Let's add a heaping pile of female hormones into the mix and you have yourself a recipe for a melt down of epic proportions. But I didn't melt down. I held my shit together all week long like a good little trooper..as usual. And now, I'm home alone. The silence is both comforting and grating (did I mention the hormones?).  I feel like a jumble of thoughts and feelings, which is making me a little sick to my stomach, but also utterly rung out with nothing else to give, which just makes me feel tired.

And I am tired, so tired. I've been tired for days. And I'm sad (see: Hormones), but I think that's just because I'm alone which gives me too much time to think. And I think I'll just go crawl into bed early....again....because keeping myself upright is just taking too much energy right now.

A Peek Behind the Curtain

I've been thinking a lot about a particular moment in my life. It happened several months ago but for some reason has been on my mind lately. I want to put it here, so I can preserve it. So I can come back to it to remind myself it's ok to break. Or maybe so someone else can read it and know that if they feel the same way, it's ok to be in that moment.

I don't want to go into detail about exactly what happened that set me off. It's not important now. Just know that it was a slight bump in my day and it should not have affected me the way it did. That just tells you what kind of place I was in emotionally. A bump in my day cracked me wide open.

As I walked home from work, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I walked and I cried and I prayed..out loud. If anyone had seen me they probably thought I was a crazy lady. I cried because I knew that I shouldn't be feeling the way I was feeling. I knew, in my brain, that the bump shouldn't be making me feel this way, but my heart was having none of it. I was done in. I was laid bare.

And so I prayed (out loud, remember) as I walked home. I fully and utterly admitted that I was not strong enough. I could no longer handle what life was dealing out to me alone. I begged God for strength, for solace, for peace. I asked him to help me carry the burden.

I'm not going to tell you that I felt instantly better..because I didn't. Later that evening I had a long conversation with my sister about everything that was going on with me. Maybe that's where God lead me..I don't know. But she helped me see things from a different perspective, offered advice on
how to cope with things proactively to protect my fragile ego. She helped me back up and get a hold of myself.

Anyway, I don't know how to end this entry. Maybe I just want it to be known that I don't always have it all together..even if I seem to. Or maybe YOU don't have it all together and you are trying to pretend..and it's getting to that breaking point. It's ok to go on a break..cry it out..talk to God..or yell at Him..I sure he's cool with that. Reach out to a friend..to a sibling..mother..father..anyone...to talk it out. Most of all I want to say that it's all going to be ok..I'm telling me..and I'm telling you too.

A peek behind the curtain

Sadness is almost never anything but a form of fatigue.  ~Andre Gide

I'm tired, y'all.

Stressed.

 

Work is eating me alive. Chewing me up and spitting me out at the end of every day. I'm not use to not knowing what I'm doing. It's an awful, frustrating feeling.

 

My feelings are bruised and tender. I can't say I'm surprised, this is just what happens, but it still makes me sad. Makes me doubt myself and my worth.

 

I feel sorry for Jeremy. He deals with my crazy emotions as best he can. It's not like this is the first time I have been swallowed by emotions. I know he just wants to make it all go away, but doesn't really know how. There really isn't a way.

 

I've been reserved, broody, silent. I figure no one really wants to hear all the negative thoughts that are pinging around my head, so I've been trying to keep them to myself.

I've been crying in the shower...over a video...over something I read in the paper.

 

I don't know how to make it better.

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

So....what now?

Life seems to be a lot of hurry up and wait.

I try to be thankful for my blessed life. I AM blessed. And I AM happy. But sometimes I wonder if this is it.

I think I feel this way because Jeremy and I got started on our adult life when we were very young. We've been living the "grown up" life for a long time now. So...I'm done with school. I'm not going to be raising any kids. I have solid employment. We have a solid home base.

And....

And nothing. That's it. That's been it for a while now.

So I guess I'm just antsy for the 'next big thing', the next phase, a new adventure...something..anything.

Just keep swimming

I haven't had much to talk about lately. Things are going on, but the minute I start thinking "I'm going to blog about this" I just as quickly start the negative back talk of "No one gives a crap about that".

I guess you could say I am in a bit of slump.

The only things that are really weighing on my mind right now are heavy and negative and probably self-imagined. You see....I seem to always feel like people don't really like me. I've tried talking this out with Jeremy and he has assured me that there isn't anything wrong with me. But still the feelings remain.

I feel inadequate.

I feel uninteresting.

I feel lonely.

I feel like an outsider.

I WISH I could feel like I am the most interesting woman in the world. I wish that I was ok with being alone all the time. I wish that I didn't get insanely jealous of other people and their family vacations and girls weekends. I wish I could just give and give and give of myself and not be upset when I get nothing back.

I try to keep myself open. I try to say YES as often as possible. I try to throw myself into the things that interest me. I try to help when I can, where I can.

But I feel like I'm just keeping my head above the water, silently treading water to keep myself from drowning.

Sugar, Salt, Salt, Sleepy, Sugar, Pissed, Salt

 

Ok..ok..I might have PMS.

 

Pass the carbs.

I am..

Struggling with Jade

I feel very jaded right now. As if the world is one large planet of 'who gives a fuck'.  A friend of mine {I guess I could call her a friend as we have never met face to face,  just over the internet} posted on Facebook: 'You get back what you put into the universe'.  I wish I could believe that. But right now, I just don't.

If you are nice to people doesn't mean people will be nice to you.
If you help people doesn't mean people will help you.
If you love people doesn't mean people will love you.
If you open yourself up to people doesn't mean people will open up to you.

I spent the entire afternoon volunteering to help find animals homes. And HOW did the Universe repay me? I lost the pearl off my necklace. The pearl I've had since I was 5 years old...probably at the event. Thanks a lot, Universe.

It's more likely that other people will not be nice to you, will not help you when you need it, will not love you, and will not open up to you..or be your friend..or be kind or thoughtful to you. And the universe is just going to screw you over, not matter what {Jeremy says its just bad luck..same thing!}.

We are all a bunch of selfish assholes. And of COURSE I am including myself in that. I've tried being nice and kind and happy. To be quiet honest, it doesn't come all that naturally to me...to be thoughtful and nice to other people. I mean, I don't walk around being a total bitch (always). But I don't usually go OUT of my way to do kind things for people..without thinking about it.

I think I've caught 'the emo' from hanging out at the mall so much lately.

A letter to Moms

Dear Mothers

I understand that this letter might sound like I'm wagging my finger at y'all. I do not want to make anyone feel bad for how they choose to act. I just want to offer something to think about.

I am on the other side. The side of the childless. I will always be on this side, so this is my life long condition...to be on THIS side. Please try and understand what that means.

It means that the only pregnant belly I will ever touch is someone elses. I know that oogs some of y'all out. But please, try and understand. The only baby kick I will ever feel is on the outside...THIS side.

It means that the only time I will get to squeeze a soft baby leg or arm is when it is someone elses baby. I know that oogs some of y'all out. But, PLEASE...try and understand. The only time I will ever get to hold a baby in my arms and smell their sweet baby head is when I am holding someone else's baby.

I know we might not know each other well. We may be complete strangers that are shopping at Target but please try and understand. I know you don't know me or my story but your baby may be the only baby I come across for months.

I am not trying to be oogy.

I am not trying to overstep.

I am not trying to make you uncomfortable.

I'm just trying to grasp a fleeting moment of innocence. One I will never have for myself. Try not to be so stingy and let me have it. Please.

Commercials that piss me off

1.

2.

I'm not trying to say that my marriage is perfect, we have our issues, but one thing we always avoid doing is being rude and ugly to each other. Both of these commercials seem to flaunt doing just that, being rude and being ugly to your spouse. And that really pisses me off.

All I can focus on in both of these commercials are the faces of the other spouses, the husband that was insulted by his wife and the wife that was dismissed by her husband. Makes me think about how I might feel if Jeremy were to act like that towards me. Well, the first one would never ever happen. We would never be so rude to each other (and words can't be taken back once they are spoken). But the second, Jeremy does admit that I can be long winded some time. I can't argue with that, but he at least is nice enough to continue to pretend to listen to me. And he never acts like its some monumental task to do so.

I know they are just commercials...maybe they are even suppose to be funny. However, they aren't funny to me. It just seems wrong to me to promote disrespectful behavior in a relationship.
But I guess they are right in line with the majority of modern TV programming, which is filled with people being rude, ugly, and disrespectful to one another.

That Leap of Faith

I want to make a change.

But I'm too afraid I'll learn that the grass isn't so green on the other side.

Which makes me afraid I'll be stuck where I am forever.

Change.

Fear.

Frozen.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Do you ever wake up and feel like you are living the same day over again?

I don't mean deja vu.

In my mind I can see where I want to go, where I want to be. And I make plans, in my head, to get there but those plans never get put into action. I can't really say what is holding me back. But I feel like I am frozen in time.

My life is set on repeat and I'm getting tired of the same old song.

Tuesday Randoms

~ Anyone have any meditation techniques? Because this girl has GOT to learn to relax. It may be PMS too. I have a serious ebb and flow of emotions from month to month. Tensing up and worrying about everything seems to come with the territory. So..meditation and midol.

~ I'm going to be reviewing romance novels at Seductive Musings. SSQQQEEEE!! I'm so excited and nervous and excited.

~ Speaking of romance novels, Defiant by Pamela Clare was released today. It has been much anticipated since its the third novel in the series about the MacKinnon brothers. I'm a bad fan and haven't picked it up yet, but I will...soon.

~ Forced myself to go to the gym today for the first time in weeks. I get antsy if I have too many evenings at home with nothing to do. Which doesn't sound like me at all..but I think that was the old me. I'm becoming a busy body in my old age. Must. Do. Something.

~ I have a canker sore on the very tip of my tongue and it is VERY annoying.

~ I'm learning all kinds of uses for baking soda through pinterest. Did you know that baking soda and salt can help with canker sores? Can't imagine it would taste good at all, but still. AND baking soda can be used to exfoliate your skin. It supposedly gives you that 'just got a facial' glow. I haven't tried it yet, so don't take my word for it.

~ Speaking of facials. I really need to find some type of foundation/primer/face spackle that will hide my flaky skin. I have dry flaky skin between my eyes and around my mouth. I use a gentle daily exfoliator in the shower but it doesn't seem to help with the flakiness..especially when I try to wear any makeup. *la sigh* I'm just destined to be a wrinkly, flaky skinned troll for the rest of my life.

Sunday Musings

I'd like to think that being selfish is just in everyone's nature. But I know people, people that give all the time..people that rarely take for themselves. And this makes me realize that it isn't in everyone's nature to be selfish, but it is in mine. Over the last few years I have found myself retreating to the mindset of 'I don't do for those that don't do for me'. I don't like it. I want to change it. Because being a nice person, a giving person shouldn't be based on what other people do for you.

This does not mean I want to be a doormat.

I just want to be nice.

I want to do things for others because I can. And not with any thought about what they will do for me.

This will take more thought and effort on my part. I'm lazy on top of being selfish. This will take me letting go of my self-righteous concepts of what is and isn't fair.

I want to give.

Because I can.

Looking for some Zen

On days like today I'm glad that we don't have children. Because on days like today I have a strong urge to get in my car and start driving and go for as far as I can and not look back. On days like today I look at Jeremy and say 'Let's just run away together'...and I'm only half joking.

Work is turning my brain into a useless mass of mush. I was ttthhhiiissss close to tears by the end of today. I had a serious tension headache all up the back of my neck. I wish I could say this is the first time my job has made me cry...but that would be a lie.

Lola started shaking her head over and over and over again this evening. And keeping her head slightly tilted like her ear is bothering her. I've taken a look in both ears but can't see anything that might be bothering her. Not an emergency situation...yet. But after the day I've had I just wanted to come home and relax...and I kind of can't when there might be something wrong with the damn dogs ear.

We had a surprise thunderstorm blow in. It was moving pretty fast so didn't linger..but it had thunder and pretty heavy rain. So Duke is currently shaking and panting, curled in a corner. Which of course has Lola panting.

I just need everyone to calm down for just a second. Including me.

Day Fourteen: Clouds

Today was a gray day. No pretty white fluffy clouds against a sky of blue for me.  Nope, just a wall of gray in the sky. Not so good for today's photo prompt. So I came up with this. Lame. But it's how I'm feeling today. I'm tired. I'm annoyed. I'm angry at myself for splattering tomato sauce on my shirt..which probably won't come out.

AArrrggghh!!

I think I need to crawl into bed, pull the covers up over my head and pretend like today didn't happen.

March Photo-a-day