Saturday, February 6, 2016

Breathing. Watching. Waiting.

I bet y'all thought I had won the lottery and ran away to start my life of luxury.

Sadly, no.

Far from it, in fact. I've been very busy living my numbingly normal, overly responsible, slightly boring life.

I feel a twinge of guilt for feeling any resentment towards my life. When I really stop to think about it, I'm very lucky. We are doing well for ourselves, all things considered. Of course, I'm always striving to put us in a better position. Always telling myself I don't need to buy that, I should save the money instead. Always prioritizing the next household project or bill to be paid off.

But I'm starting to think that line of thinking is a fallacy. Why must we always be striving for the next level of security? Is there even such a thing as complete security and safety? And if so, do we really truly want it? Because what is the cost of that kind of life?

Deadly monotony.

I feel stuck in a labyrinth of my own making, where the walls all look exactly the same and there is never ever a curve in the road. And I run, and I run, trying to get to the end. But there is no end. There is just more of the same exact thing. It stretches on, forever.

And so I am tired. Tired of running to nowhere. Tired of the same scenery. Tired of dealing with the same issues. Tired of having the same concerns. I am just tired of always trying so hard...just to be in the same spot the next day.

OOhhh, please forgive me for being so dramatic. This really isn't normal for me. But it's what I've been feeling lately. It's probably hormonally induced (please note, I can blame my mood on can not).

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