Monday, April 23, 2012

The path less traveled

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I know I don't write a lot about my infertility. At this point in my infertility journey, talking about it is like talking about the mole on my stomach. It's still there, it's always going to be there...nothing new to report.

My husband and I probably aren't the typical infertile couple. We decided to get off the crazy train of infertility treatment early on. We didn't try IUI's or IVF, we didn't try cycles and cycles of fertility medicine. We aren't considering a surrogate or adoption.

We decided it was either going to just happen...or it just wasn't.

This was the best decision for us, financially..emotionally..and physically.

After we made that decision, I had to learn what it was going to mean to be a childless woman. How was I going to measure my worth? How was I going to find my purpose? How was I going to find my joy? What was going to keep me motivated?

It wasn't an easy lesson. There aren't any cookie cutter answers to all those questions. I struggled for a long time with who I was going to be if I wasn't going to be a mother. I mourned the loss of motherhood. I still do sometimes but there are no more crying jags on the bathroom floor.

But slowly and finally, I have come to a place of understanding. I am still a whole person, despite my dysfunctional ovaries. I have a lot to offer the world...other than mothering. I can strive to be the best wife and friend to my husband. I can keep and cultivate a warm and inviting home for my family and friends. I can invest my time into my fur-children and my nieces and nephew. I can explore my interests, indulge in my hobbies. I can devote my efforts into keeping myself healthy.

I realize now that I can be happy without having children. I know that my marriage can survive, and grow and thrive, without having children.

It wasn't the path we had planned or expected. But, with my husband by my side, I am still glad to be walking it. And I'm looking forward to the future more than I ever have before.


  1. I'm just now getting caught up on my RSS reader, and saw this post of yours. I typically don't leave comments on blogs, but I just had to tell you that I really admire you for this post. I am just now starting on the infertility journey. My husband and I had our first appt with a fertility specialist last week, and it was a lot to take in. I knew that after trying for almost 2 years that there was something wrong, and even before that. I had cervical cancer, and in the back of my mind, I always felt like that would cause issues for me down the road.

    We are in a similar mindset as you are. we are not going to try rounds and rounds of IVF and just doesn't seem right to me. I can't imagine spending all of the money and putting my body through all of that stress, and possibly not having anything to show for it in the end.

    I am still in the stage where I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that i may not ever be pregnant, so it's good to hear someone who has been there, done that...because maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel...that there is a possibility that I could become ok with this feeling and move on.

    Thank you so much for sharing this post. It made me feel a little less alone with what i'm struggling with right now.

  2. Your comment made me cry. Thank you for taking the time to leave it for me.