Wednesday, October 27, 2010

First Love

I really like to think that Jeremy was and is my first TRUE love. I mean, we've been together since I was 17. How could I possibly have been in love..the 'I'm going to be with you for the rest of my life for reals' kind..when I was that young? That doesn't mean that I didn't feel deeply for the other guys I have dated. So, in that vein of thinking I thought back through my 'dating' years. Me and boys have a long, bumpy, slightly infamous history.

I would say the relationship that first brought me near the edge of love was Nathan Frazier. We dated through out my 8th and 9th grade year. His phone number is still penciled inside a heart on the leg of my old dresser (which now belongs to my sister). This was the first relationship in which I started to understand what it even meant to be in a relationship. This was really the first relationship in which I wanted to be a better person for him. At the time that meant going to his church, which was a baptist church..much to my catholic mother's delight. It was also the first relationship in which I started to understand how my actions could really hurt someone else. We broke up at the start of our 10th grade year (the year I met my future husband). And for a long time he was really mad at me. I tried to be his friend, I wanted to be his friend..but he was too hurt..too mad..and he wouldn't even talk to me. I remember being sick, just sick with the fact that he wouldn't even be my friend.

That's been so many years ago and now he and I keep up with each other on facebook (of course). Or I keep up with him, I'm not sure how much he keeps up with me. And that is totally ok. I just hope that he knows how sorry I am that I did him like that. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person that he needed me to be, the person that I was obviously not ready to be.


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