Thursday, January 1, 2015
Looking out, looking in, looking up - Happy New Years
I bundled up to venture out in the backyard to snap a picture of the sky. I didn't want to do it because the sky is a never ending sea of nothing today. I wanted to capture something beautiful....something I consider beautiful. A lovely sunset of pinks, oranges, and purples. Or whispy white clouds against a backdrop of blue. But there won't be any of that today....just cold, stark white.
But as I wondered around my little back yard, with my camera pointed at the sky, I did find a little beauty in the stillness of the cold. And I couldn't help but notice how lovely the ice covered branches were against the bright white sky.
It made me think about this new year, how everything can be considered new. A true blank slate. A quiet moment to just stop, take a moment to breath and decide how you want to start this new chapter. And it also made me think of this last year. I've been telling myself 2014 has been the year of the holding pattern. Not much has changed, on the outside. But I feel like I've learned more about myself this year. I've stripped away many of my long held notions of how people should act, how I should act and my confusion about why those things didn't make me happy. Things that didn't make sense for a very long time have started snapping into place. I'm sure my friends and family are just about sick of me using the term "introvert" but I am just so excited to finally have some idea of why I have always acted the way I do...why I feel the way I feel. And the more I learn about what it means to be introverted, the more comfortable I have become with saying no, with walking away, with staying in, with telling people what I need.
I can't say that walking away from things and having no one notice hasn't hurt my feelings. I might be introverted but I still crave to be needed and wanted and important to others. I'm still dealing with my feelings of being inadequate, feelings of rejection when I'm not recognized for the things I do. Those things are on me to deal with, not the people around me.
I can say that having a better understanding of how I gather and dispense my energy makes a world of difference to my psyche. I've learned to pay attention to things and people that make me feel good, that make me happy. I'm still trying to get better at or continue to acknowledge those in my life that I love and appreciate. And I've become better at getting rid of things and people that stress me out or drain my energy.
Overall I am coming into this year peacefully hopeful. I'm not looking to dramatically overhaul my life, I don't want to make any grand resolutions or plans. Always reaching for the next thing makes me tired and wears me out. So, I resolve to find my happiness in the very moment that I'm living, I don't need any more or less than what I have right now.
I hope you find your perfect balance this year of peace, love, and hope this year.