I've been thinking a lot about a particular moment in my life. It happened several months ago but for some reason has been on my mind lately. I want to put it here, so I can preserve it. So I can come back to it to remind myself it's ok to break. Or maybe so someone else can read it and know that if they feel the same way, it's ok to be in that moment.
I don't want to go into detail about exactly what happened that set me off. It's not important now. Just know that it was a slight bump in my day and it should not have affected me the way it did. That just tells you what kind of place I was in emotionally. A bump in my day cracked me wide open.
As I walked home from work, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I walked and I cried and I prayed..out loud. If anyone had seen me they probably thought I was a crazy lady. I cried because I knew that I shouldn't be feeling the way I was feeling. I knew, in my brain, that the bump shouldn't be making me feel this way, but my heart was having none of it. I was done in. I was laid bare.
And so I prayed (out loud, remember) as I walked home. I fully and utterly admitted that I was not strong enough. I could no longer handle what life was dealing out to me alone. I begged God for strength, for solace, for peace. I asked him to help me carry the burden.
I'm not going to tell you that I felt instantly better..because I didn't. Later that evening I had a long conversation with my sister about everything that was going on with me. Maybe that's where God lead me..I don't know. But she helped me see things from a different perspective, offered advice on
how to cope with things proactively to protect my fragile ego. She helped me back up and get a hold of myself.
Anyway, I don't know how to end this entry. Maybe I just want it to be known that I don't always have it all together..even if I seem to. Or maybe YOU don't have it all together and you are trying to pretend..and it's getting to that breaking point. It's ok to go on a break..cry it out..talk to God..or yell at Him..I sure he's cool with that. Reach out to a friend..to a sibling..mother..father..anyone...to talk it out. Most of all I want to say that it's all going to be ok..I'm telling me..and I'm telling you too.
I like being in control so I hate it when I lose control but it's perfectly normal not to have everything together all the time. I hate letting people see my vulnerabilities except a select few. It's great that your sister and relationship with God is some source of comfort for you where you have someone to hear you out.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful week. Good luck with everything. The people in my life like to remind me that "it will all work out!"