Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I am not made of glass..

I found out some great news this weekend. One of my very good friends is finally pregnant. She and her husband have been trying and trying. So I was thrilled and over the moon to find out that it has finally happened for them. The news also brought to light another issue. Me. And how others expect me to handle the news of another pregnancy. Dealing with infertility sort of puts you in a position of always "handling" the fact that someone else is pregnant and you are not.

My friend, bless her heart..I LOVE her to pieces, was nearly in tears sharing her happy news with me. It's a bittersweet thing. She didn't want to hurt me. I get that. And when I shared the news with my mom I could see the concern in her eyes as well. It got me thinking about how others might expect me to react to the news that someone is pregnant. I wanted to help other people understand what it feels like for me to deal with these emotions.

I am not the type of person to cause a scene. I'm not going to fly off the handle in anger, or in a rage, or in a sobbing heap. It's not to say that I don't get angry, or cry like a baby..I just usually do it in the privacy of my own home. I don't consider being depressed about my "condition" as an option for my state of mind. For me, the only option I have is to be OKAY and to keep going. Some people might think that makes me strong. For me, its just my reality. I don't break down. I don't give up.

But, I've been trying to think of a proper analogy to how I do feel when finding out about someone being pregnant. I want other people to be able to sort of understand. And I found the perfect example! Finding out that someone else is pregnant, for me, is like having a charlie horse. It sort of creeps up on you, and then for just a few moments the pain gets so intense that you can't move..that you think it will never go away or get better..that your world will never again be anything but you curled up in bed with that pain. But then the pain does start to lessen, and gradually it fades away until finally you feel normal again.

That is exactly what it feels like for me. Of course, I feel a little pinch. Of course, it might lay me low for a little bit..making me draw into myself and be quieter than usual. It'd be weird if it didn't affect me somehow. But, this thing..this infertility will never bring me down for good. Childless or not, I am blessed and highly favored. I have a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband, pets, family, and friends. Infertility will never, ever beat me. And any pregnancy will be celebrated as it deserves to be. Every child is a blessing, even if its not mine.


3 comments:

  1. I am telling you I love you, through my tears. I am also silently thanking God for a friend like you. And damn those charlie horses!

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  2. wow...you are some kinda awesome.

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  3. Jinny - You're so sweet! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    I know how you feel b/c it seemed that all my friends, all my coworkers, some of my husband's students, etc. were all pregnant and I wasn't. It was very difficult to be happy for them when I was wondering "How are even these teenagers getting pregnant with babies they don't even want? I want one so bad!" Eventually, Babe was born (after almost two years of trying).

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