Looking for the happy

Now that the PMS monster is gone {for now} the dark, ugly clouds of DOOM AND DESPAIR have receded. I can breath again. I can feel the sun shining. I can hear the birds singing. I can laugh. And my breaking point is back up where it belongs.

I can step back from the pin point my life becomes for that week. I can see more than just that little pinhead of sadness, regret, jealousy, and anger. It's not always easy to step away from the edge. To give myself a moment to dwell on the ugly and then willfully turn away. But I have to. For me, there really is no other choice.

Source: seasidecreative.com via Jinny on Pinterest

This whole infertility thing is putting a real hink in my 'get everything you want in life' plan. Sometimes, I want to let myself wallow in self-pity {sometimes I do wallow}. Sometimes I get SO angry at every other single person that has been fortunate enough to have kids. It's not very fair of me but the feelings are there anyways. Sometimes I feel so betrayed by my body, because it doesn't do what it is designed to do..what it is made to do. Sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt that I can't make my husband a Dad, that I can't make my Mom and grandparent, that I can't make my sister and aunt.

Anger, betryal, guilt, sadness. This is the ugly, ugly edge I speak of. "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot." {Name that movie! Oh, I'll just tell you..French Kiss..if y'all have never seen it, go out and watch it now. So funny and cute}

Of course, I cannot allow myself to fester or rot. I have to let go of what may never be {I still have hope, please don't misunderstand} and embrace what is. I have to find happiness in others happiness. I have to celebrate victories, no matter the size. I have to invite the silliness and laughter in. I have to rejoice in the wonderfulness that is my life right now.

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