Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Looking for the happy

Now that the PMS monster is gone {for now} the dark, ugly clouds of DOOM AND DESPAIR have receded. I can breath again. I can feel the sun shining. I can hear the birds singing. I can laugh. And my breaking point is back up where it belongs.

I can step back from the pin point my life becomes for that week. I can see more than just that little pinhead of sadness, regret, jealousy, and anger. It's not always easy to step away from the edge. To give myself a moment to dwell on the ugly and then willfully turn away. But I have to. For me, there really is no other choice.

This whole infertility thing is putting a real hink in my 'get everything you want in life' plan. Sometimes, I want to let myself wallow in self-pity {sometimes I do wallow}. Sometimes I get SO angry at every other single person that has been fortunate enough to have kids. It's not very fair of me but the feelings are there anyways. Sometimes I feel so betrayed by my body, because it doesn't do what it is designed to do..what it is made to do. Sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt that I can't make my husband a Dad, that I can't make my Mom and grandparent, that I can't make my sister and aunt.

Anger, betryal, guilt, sadness. This is the ugly, ugly edge I speak of. "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot." {Name that movie! Oh, I'll just tell you..French Kiss..if y'all have never seen it, go out and watch it now. So funny and cute}

Of course, I cannot allow myself to fester or rot. I have to let go of what may never be {I still have hope, please don't misunderstand} and embrace what is. I have to find happiness in others happiness. I have to celebrate victories, no matter the size. I have to invite the silliness and laughter in. I have to rejoice in the wonderfulness that is my life right now.


  1. I'm so sorry about your struggles. You have every right to feel frustrated. I do hope everything works out for you though.

  2. I wasn't going to comment, because I never do..but then I remembered your post about being a silent reader, and decided to comment! Anyhow, it's reassuring to know other women feel the same way I do while struggling with infertility issues. I also get frustrated when I see couples easily get pregnant, especially if they already have children. I feel like shouting at them to quit being so greedy and let me have one. Of course I don't. Anyhow, thank you for being so candid and honest.