Monday, June 7, 2010

Universal Truths

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. - Destroying the evidence is always, always a best friends job

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. - This rarely happens to me...*snort*

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - All of the good stuff is wasted on the young

There is great need for a Sarcasm font. - People get confused and misunderstand very easily. Can you not HEAR how I am typing? Geez.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? - You don't. You wad it up into a shape that sort of, kind of resembles something that might be folded

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. - If people don't know how to get off their own street..there is no hope for mankind.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. - or how they REALLY lived for that matter

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. - that would be never

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. - at work? Try about a minute after my alarm goes off.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. - add "dry clean only" and "hand wash only" to that list

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone on the floor and sprint out the door? - I laughed out loud at this one. I don't think my sister EVER answers her phone. She calls me..I miss it. I call her RIGHT back, she doesn't answer. But then she calls ME right back. I don't get it.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. - so do fist fights and ill-conceived tattoos

Bad decisions make good stories. - Please see above

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. - Have you seen the size of the people in this country? I think most of us have this problem. But the REAL question is..why are we so bored?

How many times is it appropriate to say"What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? - Two..duh?

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? - Or maybe I just get smarter and smarter.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. - Until your husband starts laughing at you for doing a little mini freak out

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. - I deal with due dates all day long and still don't know what date to write on the check at the end of the day

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my butt everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! - this should be a competitive sport

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