Monday, November 24, 2008

Coming out of hiding..

So...hey. How's it been going?

Me? Oh, I'm doing ok.

Where have I been? see...

That last few weeks have been very difficult for me. Even if I didn't talk about it, much. Even if I smiled and laughed, a little. I was struggling. I was lost. I paniced. So, I hid. I sort of turned off. I went on auto-pilot. I was going through the motions of daily life. Work, home, sleep.

My phone conversations were brief. I didn't have much to say and my thoughts were scattered. I had a hard time keeping a thread of a conversation. I was overly frustrated with work. Every little thing, every simple mistake seemed to be a mountain that I had to climb. I felt the weight of bills, financial obligataions..real or perceived. I had to deal with situations, unavoidable and unplanned, that required me to compromise. And it was hard for me, really hard..although for the best.

The majority of my weekend was spent in moody silence and I slept...a lot. I felt at war within my own body. I didn't really want to go out anywhere, but I was feeling resentful of the fact that I always stayed at home. It was crazy, the way I was thinking and feeling. It didn't make much sense. I know Jeremy was worried. But when he would ask 'What's wrong?', no words would come. I had no answer or I felt like the answer was just too big. Everything, is what I wanted to say, everything was wrong. But I knew that was being overly dramatic. I hadn't totally lost sight of the light. It just seemed very far away.

Nothing life-altering happened this weekend to change my mood. We went out on Saturday, it had already been planned before I went into hiding and couldn't be avoided...or I probably would have. My sister arranged for my husband and I to go to a dinner theatre. It was a surprise, she just told us to show up at a certain time. We had dinner, good conversation with the rest of our table, and watched a great production. I felt a little lighter afterwards, just a little.

And then on Sunday I ventured out again. Just me, by myself. I found my husband a Christmas gift. Buying things for each other this Christmas wasn't something we were sure we would be able to do. Just being able to get him something, no matter how simple, took such a weight off my shoulders. I also found a steamy romance novel for myself..and y'all know how much I love a good romance novel. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with my nose in a book and football as background noise. It's amazing how something so simple can smooth frazzled nerves.

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