Tuesday, August 26, 2008
My heart opened back up
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
The company I work for has been offering incentives for people to leave the company. Sometimes it's just for a handful of jobs, other times its quite a few more. Every time I receive the paperwork in the mail I am so tempted to fill it out. I add and then re-add the sum of money I would get. I constantly think about what we could do with that money, where I would look for a job.
The thought of leaving the company thrills me, it terrifies me. I am so very sure that I want to leave and yet so scared of being on the 'outside'. My husband is the voice of reason in this matter. I hear his words, I understand his thinking. We need this job, the money is too good to walk away from, what about the insurance? I agree, I agree with all of that. But it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't crumble a little more every time I have to throw the paper work away.
Yesterday I got the paperwork for the latest offered incentive. I looked it over, with Jeremy hovering at my side. We talked about the money, like we always do. With a little sigh, I shuffled it in with all the other junk mail and moved towards the trash can. And the Jeremy spoke.
'Are you going to throw it away?'
'I can't take it....can I?'
'I don't know.'
I set the information aside. It doesn't have to be turned in until a few weeks into September. But I already know that I am going to have to throw it away eventually. We just can't let the job go yet. I know, I agree, I understand.
But, the moment he spoke and let me have a sliver of hope that it could someday happen...my heart opened back up. He was..is willing to look at a terrifing prospect because he knows how much it would mean to me. To allow to me the slightest moment to think that I really have a choice, and that my feelings towards my job are valid. And I love him for that, I truly do.