My heart opened back up

"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

The company I work for has been offering incentives for people to leave the company. Sometimes it's just for a handful of jobs, other times its quite a few more. Every time I receive the paperwork in the mail I am so tempted to fill it out. I add and then re-add the sum of money I would get. I constantly think about what we could do with that money, where I would look for a job.

The thought of leaving the company thrills me, it terrifies me. I am so very sure that I want to leave and yet so scared of being on the 'outside'. My husband is the voice of reason in this matter. I hear his words, I understand his thinking. We need this job, the money is too good to walk away from, what about the insurance? I agree, I agree with all of that. But it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't crumble a little more every time I have to throw the paper work away.

Yesterday I got the paperwork for the latest offered incentive. I looked it over, with Jeremy hovering at my side. We talked about the money, like we always do. With a little sigh, I shuffled it in with all the other junk mail and moved towards the trash can. And the Jeremy spoke.

'Are you going to throw it away?'

I froze.

'I can't take it....can I?'

He sighed.

'I don't know.'

I set the information aside. It doesn't have to be turned in until a few weeks into September. But I already know that I am going to have to throw it away eventually. We just can't let the job go yet. I know, I agree, I understand.

But, the moment he spoke and let me have a sliver of hope that it could someday happen...my heart opened back up. He was..is willing to look at a terrifing prospect because he knows how much it would mean to me. To allow to me the slightest moment to think that I really have a choice, and that my feelings towards my job are valid. And I love him for that, I truly do.