The Gift

"Pregnancy is a kind of miracle. Especially so in that it proves that a man and woman can conspire to force God to create a new soul." ~Robert Anton Wilson

I was secretly terrified when my husband and I made the decision to start trying for a baby back in 2001. We had been married for a year by then but we were both still so young, only 20 and 22. We were still living in our one bedroom apartment at the time. I don't know what we would have done if we had actually gotten pregnant right away.

But, we didn't get pregnant right away. Years went by and no baby. I went to the doctor..several doctors. I was put on fertility medicine for a time, with no results. If I had a dollar for every pregnancy test I took, I'd have a small fortune. I bought an ovulation kit, I read books, I tracked my tempature, I laid still for 15 minutes after intimate moments. I tried everything! The doctor seemed a little stumped too. I had blood drawn several times and all sorts of other tests run. Still no baby. In January 2006 I had an optional surgery suggested by my doctor. It was strictly exploratory. The doctor found that I have Endometriosis, just a slight case, but that could be enough to cause me problems becoming pregnant. The next step after the surgery was in-vetro, which my insurance didn't cover at all. Feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed I left the doctors office and didn't go back until this summer. I put away my ovulation kit and stopped tracking anything.

And then, in July, I took a pregnancy test because I was a week late. And for the first time EVER I saw two pink lines. My husband held me in his arms while I cried with joy. Finally, finally, we would be a family. For one weekend I was the happiest I have ever been, glowing with the knowledge that I would be giving my husband a child..that I would be a mother.

The next week I began to have severe pains. At 8:00 in the morning my husband rushed me to see my doctor and by 9:00 I was in a hospital bed. I had surgery that same day to have the pregnancy terminated. It turned out to be a tubal pregnancy, potentially life threatening to me, and had to be removed along with my right fallopian tube. Just as quickly as the gift was given to me, it was taken away.

I try to find comfort in the fact that I WAS pregnant, I CAN get pregnant..which was something I had seriously started to doubt. But, I can't deny that I still have bad days that I cry, that I get angry, that I give up hope. On those days I hug my husband a little tighter, I cuddle my dogs a little longer, and I pray that I get another opportunity to become a mother.