Saturday, February 2, 2008

How do you plead? Guilty.



“Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow” ~ Horace Bushnell

Since Christmas I have been struggling with this niggeling guilt of being child-less. It's crazy to feel this guilt so I have been trying very hard to keep it at bay and not dwell on it. I don't want to look at it, I don't want to study it, I don't want to invite it in for tea.

At Christmas it was so wonderful to see so much of my family. My cousin and his wife and his baby boy were able to come from North Carolina for the holidays. This was the first time for many of us to see little Wil in the flesh. He is the first great-grandbaby of the family and he is adorable. My Mom showed up wearing reindeer antlers, a flashy red nose, and a blinky christmas light necklace. Besides being very festive she dressed like that for the baby. And she kept asking when Wil would be there. She was a very exciting great-aunt. My heart hurt in my chest to see her like that. Because I know that she was wishing for a grandbaby of her own. I didn't talk to her about it. I didn't talk to anyone about it except my husband. I don't want anyone ELSE feeling guilty because I feel guilty.

Now another cousin and his wife are expecting. She is due very soon. This time it's a girl. I've been keeping up with the pregnany through her blog. Yes, the baby had a blog already! lol. It's great to read about all the items that have been given to them. The room slowly coming together. I read the comments on the blog and you can feel my Aunt's excitiment about becoming a Grandmother. And again that guilt is there, squeezing my heart. It overshadows everything and I hate that.

I can't allow the guilt to overcome me. I've been there and I'd rather not go back. The quote above explains a lot about it. That and 'guilt is just anger directed at yourself'. Guilt = sorrow and anger.

2 comments:

  1. these emotions are so complicated.

    Guilt...presumes that you're responsible for the situation. I doubt that's the case.

    On the other hand, you can easily feel extreme sorrow and victimization. That's a horrible feeling, too. Somehow I think guilt is more healthy, because it's more powerful. Victimization is a feeling of powerlessness.

    I'm so sorry. I am positive there is a happy ending to this somewhere in the near future. The key is patience and trust that it will be so!

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  2. This is such an emotional minefield for you to pick your way through.

    But like Kitty I'm positive there's a happy ending!

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