Vacation Revelations

We recently went to Florida for a family vacation with my mom and sister. My mom turned 60 and what she wanted to do was go to the beach. So, that is what we did.

We had a great time visiting my aunt and the beach was great. I didn't have a concern in the world about wearing my bikini while we were there. I didn't obsess over who might be looking at me, what they might be thinking about me. I didn't feel self-conscious at all...until I saw the pictures.

Photo-bombed by my bat arm

I'm really glad that I was able to enjoy myself in the moment. But..I'm not happy with where I let myself backslide to. If you're a new reader you might not know that a few years ago I lost 60 lbs. At my heaviest (known) weight I was 211. I've done very well at maintaining, for the most part, but I have found over the last year that the weight is creeping back on.

Near my heaviest weight

Near my lowest weight

My current weight

I've put on about 20 lbs from my lowest weight. And it's not like I didn't know it was happening. The scale doesn't lie. But I was turning a blind eye to it, putting on the back burner. Until yesterday..for the first time since I lost all the weight I couldn't wear a top because my arms were too big.

Talk about eye-opener. As I sit here, if I listen to my body, it's telling me it's not happy. I'm not comfortable, just sitting here.

So something must be done. And it will start with re-evaluating what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. I wish I could say with confidence that this will be easy...since I've done it before...but I'm not so sure that will be the case.

I refuse to sink?

On Monday, my sister called to check on me.

"I went to your blog to see what you've been up to and there wasn't anything new."

Yeah, I know. I haven't really had the inspiration or time or energy to really sit down and blog anything lately. And even if I did have the urge to blog, what the heck would I blog about? We've been on overtime at work for three months straight. I've been going from work to the couch to bed, repeat.

My brain is mush.

My mid-section is mush (because I haven't been to the gym in months).

I feel like crap.

Tired, fat, crap.

Oh, and it's currently "I'm melting, I'm melting..what a world" degrees outside.

Honestly, I've been in a serious life rut. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch movies, I don't want to blog, or write, or take pictures. I don't want to think about what I'm wearing or do my hair. I want to sleep...and sleep some more..and never have to get out of my PJ's.

Sounds a little like depression, doesn't it? Yeah, don't worry..I don't think it's clinical. My whole life I've lived with bouts of depression. I sink and sink and sink. But I always manage to pull myself out of the tail spin...somehow.

For my Friends that are Struggling

Sometimes its ok to fight your way through the storm, walk into the wind, scream through the darkness.

 

But that takes a lot of energy and strength.

 

And when weathering a storm we don't always have the energy to keep fighting.

 

That's ok. I want you to know that.

 

Sometimes it's also ok to just hunker down and protect your light until the storm passes.